Wednesday1.44 - Bleed it Out

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran let his head fall back again without watching Ken leave. He made no move to stop him.

Perhaps Ken was improving, after all. He had restrained himself. He hadn't fallen apart. It was unbalanced, but perhaps injuring Yohji had sent Ken back to them.

His fingers tightened on the chair seat as his leg spasmed. He shouldn't have stood on it, let alone walked on it, and Crawford had connected with expected precision.

He was being foolish, waiting there. His sister wasn't going to want to talk to him when she returned. She didn't seem to want his advice or protection.

Ran was not meant to be her parent. He knew it bitterly. He had hoped he could be everything for her when she woke. But a girl in a hospital was easier to protect than one who thought and acted for herself. And Ran - no, Aya, the Aya he'd become in Weiss - barely took care of himself. He had simply employed the minimum necessary care to his body, but it had been like maintaining a machine. It was unjust to Aya that she only had him to care for her. It was unjust that this was the only life he had to offer her.

Another thing that had been returned to him with his sister. The loss of his parents was something he had thought he'd moved past, but with Aya's return, he felt it acutely. That's what all this had been for, hadn't it? Avenging his family? He had focused on the survivor for so long, because his parents' deaths were irreversible, that he had almost forgotten the whole of where the ache inside of him had come from. A home lost, a family lost. He couldn't replace them for his sister, though he had been striving to do just that.

He gritted his teeth together and launched himself to his feet, using the light wood chair as a makeshift crutch. He found a bottle of pills from the cupboard and took a painkiller. He loathed drugs, but the pain was actually bringing moisture to his eyes. He leaned on the counter, then abandoned the chair and made his way to the stairs. He would have settled for the common room, but he didn't want to get blood on anything public.

Without anyone present to observe, he tediously stepped up one stair at a time, supporting himself with his arms on the railing.

And then there was Yohji.

If he was still alive.

The only person who seemed to see anything of worth in him. Mistakenly. And Ran hadn't even been able to protect him. Any "protection" that had been occurring lately had actually been a by-product of Schwartz' mercy.

Ran gripped a pale hand on the railing as he reached the last stair, breathing heavily. He stared at the ground, mouth parted.

Emotions were a liability.

He was nothing like Schwartz. But Crawford knew where and which nerves to hit.

...perhaps, he would prove him wrong. Emotions had kept him human, even as he was crafted to murder. They were what separated Weiss from those they killed. Compassion, humanity, love.

His lips thinned.

And emotions were also what got Yohji captured, and Aya-chan.

He stumbled into the hallway, and toward his room.

Perhaps he would protect them better if he cared for them, but they didn't care for him in return.

He shoved open the door to his room and shut it, stumbling to his bed. He closed his eyes against the pain still radiating through his body, and attempted to find oblivion.