Monday 1.4 Amends

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi spent a few minutes alone before venturing out for Yohji. He'd needed them to sort his head after Ken's... confession. He still didn't know what to think of that, and he rather doubted anything would come to him just by sitting and thinking about it. Ultimately, that was going to simply need time to sink in first. And in the meantime, he had a wealth of other tasks and responsibilities to keep him busy. Like the one in front of him, or rather, like the one behind the door in front of him.

He swallowed and knocked.

"Yohji-kun? Are you in there? You said last night that you'd like to talk to me later... and I'd like to talk to you, too."

He was babbling, wasn't he? He pressed his lips together just to silence them and give Yohji a chance to answer.

Comments

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji reread the paragraph in front of him for the third time; the magazine he'd picked up was doing a miserable job of distracting him. Not a surprise of course, as he wasn't actually interested in it in the first place, he was simply stalling.

The knock he'd been dreading finally came.

He'd known that if he holed himself up in his room for long enough, someone would come for him. The only question was whether Omi or Ken would make the first appearance.

Omi's voice quickly answered his question.

Of course it was Omi. Omi was the one he'd really been dreading. Certainly the most difficult to talk to.

He ran his fingers through his hair in anxiety as he opened the door.

"I suppose we need to," he said with a sigh.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi wished Yohji wouldn't sound like a dead man walking. He saw enough of those on missions.

He hesitated at first as he processed the less-than-welcoming reception, and settled for a nod back. "Un. We do... May I come in?"

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

“Mi casa es su casa” Yohji made a weak attempt at a smile as he opened the door and vaguely gestured for Omi to come in.

He sat back down on his bed and looked at Omi expectantly.

“I don’t have an excuse,” he said grimly. “All I have to say is that I’m sorry, for whatever little that’s worth.”

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi couldn't quite find a smile to send back to Yohji, and slipped inside with his gaze lowered.

He'd hoped to have some kind of explanation. Hearing right out that Yohji didn't have an excuse... That was almost as bothersome. Omi liked to think that if any of his team would be so directly opposing of orders that there would at least be a good reason behind it!

But if Yohji didn't have a good reason behind his own thoughts, that just pointed all the more strongly towards some deficiency on his part, didn't it? Yohji hadn't trusted his judgment. And if that was the case, then he had an obligation to figure out what to fix. It was no one's fault but his own if he sucked at doing his own job.

"I accept the apology... I... Yohji-kun, is there something wrong with the way I'm leading? If you think there's anything I should be doing better... or differently..."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji felt his jaw drop at Omi's words. He'd expected a reprimand, if not something more severe. To hear Omi immediately accept his apology and then to question his own actions....awful didn't even begin to describe the way he felt.

He was jumping th gun. Reprimands and more severe consequences might still be in order. He felt he deserved it, anyway. Just because Omi claimed to accept (accept isn't the same as *forgive* he reminded himself) didn't mean there wasn't another shoe still waiting to drop.

"No..." he chewed on his lip, not sure how to answer Omi's unexpected words. "The problem is our job. It's not you. It's just.... what we do. It's wearing me down and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to function. I'm on the brink, Omi."

So is Ken he wanted to say, but didn't feel comfortable breaching that topic to Omi.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

It would in fact take some time before Omi fully got over the blatant disobedience, particularly with no justification behind it. Omi tried hard to understand where Yohji was coming from, but to be so affected by what they did that one lost the ability to perform it properly... it was quite foreign a concept to him. What was so difficult about it? Dangerous, absolutely, but they had the skills to do it. They had the experience. They were getting rid of monsters. Omi couldn't feel any more traumatized over killing them than he could for killing the boss enemy in a video game.

Still, it was important to take care of it if it was a problem for Yohji.

"Take some time off then..." He suggested, in the most helpful tone he could manage. It would put a strain on his resources not having all four of them at his disposal for planning the execution of the missions, but that was something he could deal with. "If you need a break... you know every mission is voluntary..."

A vacation, just some time off... then he'd be better and ready to go back to work, right? That was how jobs and vacations worked.

Except... they'd been on a break. How much longer of one did he need? He didn't try to ask.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"I wasn't aware it was that simple," Yohji said cautiously. Take time off? Just like that? It wasn't that easy even with a normal job....

Was time off even what he needed? The prospect didn't sound as appealing as he would have expected. It sounded....isolating. Time off meant being away from Ken...away from Ran....

Was Omi trying to get rid of him?

"I don't know about that," he sighed, "I think my issues run deeper than that. I..." I want my old life back. I don't want to take time off, because the time would -end-. "Time off might be more helpful to Ken, actually."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

...What was wrong with his team?! Ken needed time off, Yohji needed even more, and Aya... Aya was understandably preoccupied with his sister. Omi had wanted to argue with him that they were in fact still a team-- they were a team no matter how they interacted now!-- but if half of them left, he'd be wrong. They weren't a team like that.

"You what, Yohji-kun? What do you want me to do?" He asked, hopelessly.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Nothing."

This wasn't getting him anywhere. None of his current issues were Omi's fault, and it definitely didn't seem like talking to Omi about them would help, he was just needlessly stressing the boy out. Talking to Ran certainly hadn't gotten him anywhere. Ran was right, he needed to just be Weiss when they needed him to be.

Just suck it up, Kudoh.

"I'll deal with it. I'm sorry for last night, I wasn't myself." Not true. You were being yourself for the first time in months. Time to stop. "It won't happen again."

He tried to slide back into his usual persona, and mangaed a strained smile.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

How does he know it won't?

Omi couldn't say he was pleased or even mollified by those words. He still had no idea what was really going on, except that whatever it was, it was so serious that Yohji didn't feel he could still function in Weiß. That was bad.

And he didn't think Ken could still function in it either. That was doubly bad. It cut his team in half.

And if Aya's more concerned with his sister... and he's got every right to be...

Omi shut his eyes. Suck it up. He'd been a team of one before; he could do it again if he really had to. He just hoped none of them did anything stupid off the job either.

But Aya can't go back to being Ran again. Is Yohji longing to go back to the past too? How can I keep everyone's vision forward, instead of behind them...?

A question to think on later.

"Un... Before I go... I did want to ask one more thing, about last night. Sato... and what he did last night... What do you think of him, Yohji-kun?"

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

If Yohji’s smile had been strained before, it was now painful. “Well let’s see,” he said, his voice carrying an edge it had previously lacked, “to put it as nicely as possible…. I think he’s an arrogant, self-righteous prick. I’d sooner punch him in the face than take orders from him. But I don’t expect my opinion counts for very much as far as Kritiker is concerned, so I’m prepared to do what’s expected of me, even if it means dealing with that….” He wanted to say ‘asshole’ but felt his words were already veering too negative to get a good reaction from Omi. “Well anyway. He definitely lacks the aura of loyalty-inspiring confidence I found in Birman and Manx. I feel like they are playing games with us and I don’t like it one fucking bit.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the bed.

“Is that really all you wanted to ask me?”

Did Omi just not care about whatever impression he seemed to have formed about Ken?

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi still felt somewhat unnerved about the test as well. And his impression of Sato was still not that of his favorite Kritiker agent. That would always be Manx. But he was definitely a Kritiker agent, and therefore he had Omi's loyalty and trust, however upsetting their first impression. He had to believe in him.

"It seems odd they'd test us and then say they already believe we're strong, doesn't it? But I'm sure they've got their reasons. I... I really just wanted to say one other thing, Yohji-kun. What Aya-kun said last night... about us not being a team when we pick and choose what orders to follow... He's wrong. Whether we're a strong team or a weak one, if we're getting along or fighting... it doesn't change that we're all in this together, right?"

He'd already talked to Ken; in his mind that matter was settled, and it held little observation for the fact that Yohji couldn't know they'd already talked about it. For the time being, it was nicely filed away for later review.

[plotbunnytiff.livejournal.com]

Ken slipped his wallet into one of the pockets in his cargos, mentally calculating how much he should splurge on pizza, and if he should buy beer before or after placing the order.

The word "beer" brought up a very good point along his thought train, leading him to knock briskly on Yohji's door.

"Oi, I'm going out for pizza. What topping do you want?" He called through the door, not wanting to barge in rudely. "But I reserve the right to refuse if it's gross, since I'm paying."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Ken's voice quickly reminded Omi of discomfort, no longer that of the awkwardness in seeing him and Yohji holding hands, but in knowing the truth-- Ken was in love with him. A piece of information Omi didn't want to deal with yet, not until the team was in order. He froze at the sound and looked worriedly at the door, hoping that Ken wouldn't actually come in. He didn't want to see him again just yet. He looked at the ground and waited in silence. He should just pretend not to be there until Ken left.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji raised an eyebrow at Omi's obvious discomfort at hearing Ken's voice. That paired with his refusal to ask about him when Yohji gave him a deliberate opening...something was definitely off. Did Omi already know something? Or did he simply not want to know? Most days Yohji would have wasted no time in needling the information out of him with merciless teasing; but today things hung in a far more delicate balance than he was accustomed to. So he kept his mouth shut on the matter.

"Pineapple and sauerkraut," he said sarcastically. "I don't care, get what you like. Or ask Aya Chan, I imagine teenage girls are fussier than I am."

He felt weird talking to Ken through the door, but got the distinct impression that Omi did not want him to open it. He decided to wait for an indication that Ken had gone before responding to Omi's somewhat interrupted statement.

[plotbunnytiff.livejournal.com]

Ken made a disgusted noise before heading off, but he still smiled a bit, knowing that no one would see.

"Ugh, gross. Be back in a few."

Things sounded like they were a little better: if Yohji could throw out joking sarcasm, it meant at least he wasn't in a funk.

No funk was good news, in Ken's opinion. And the suggestion he made was actually kind of smart. He set his destination towards Aya-chan's room, hoping a peace offering of her choice in toppings would make up for...flipping out a little yesterday.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

At the sound of Ken's retreating footsteps, Yohji turned to Omi, seriousness back in place.

"I've always felt a little...wary...about Kritiker and the way they handle all this." He chose his words carefully, knowing that Omi held much greater faith in their parent organization, and not wanting to sound mutinous, "but I've always believed in Weiss and I still do. My loyalty is with you and Ken and..." he caught himself before saying 'Aya,' "...Ran. The team is all I have left that matters, as much as my recent actions might point otherwise."

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Declarations of this sort were not his style at all, and he felt fairly awkward saying it.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

It meant a lot to Omi just to have that reassurance of Yohji's loyalty. Yohji was with them... hopefully no matter what. At the same time, he winced slightly at Ran's name and fought back a grimace. He still needed to talk to him about that. Half of Omi wanted to correct Yohji. Another half didn't feel it was really his place. Yohji was just abiding by their teammate's specifications.

And yet, Omi continued to feel it was an extremely bad choice.

"I'm glad to hear that, Yohji-kun. There's only one problem." He looked up. "We don't have a 'Ran' on our team."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Eh?"

Yohji fought back a wave of panic. What did Omi mean by We don't have a 'Ran' on our team? Did he quit? He'd asked Yohji if he was leaving...so obviously the thought of leaving himself must have crossed his mind at some point. And then Yohji had stupidly asked him why didn't he take his sister away.... The questions must have struck a cord and convinced him otherwise.

"What...?" Yohji found himself almost speechless from the dismay he suddenly felt.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi lowered his gaze again, perhaps out of guilt. A sad smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Is it bad of me to say that, Yohji-kun? I kept trying to respect it because it's what he wanted, but... Ran isn't who he is anymore. After what he taught me... I can't forget and let him make the same mistake. The names of our past don't have any right challenging our identities of now. His name is Aya-kun. That's the only fourth member of Weiß we've ever had."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Oh. That."

The sudden panic had caused Yohji to snap into an upright position, and as understanding hit him he fell back into a relieved slouch.

He was talking about *names* not people, idiot.

"You have a point I suppose...." he took his time to process Omi's words, and found that while he had admittedly been struggling with the whole "Ran" issue, the remarks aggravated him a little.

"I can't say I care for calling him Ran," Yohji conceded. "I'm having a difficult time adjusting. And I have to admit that it makes me feel just a bit slighted. I can't help feeling like it somehow devalues the time he spent with us before she," he hoped the edge of resentment the word she elicited didn't bleed through, "woke up. But it's hardly fair to Aya Chan if we keep using her name for her brother."

He regarded Omi thoughtfully. He had expected their meeting to require a discussion about Ken, not Ran.

"But I think only Aya has a right to decide who he was or still is. As long as he still answers to the name 'Abyssinian' I honestly don't think the team has a say in it."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi considered Yohji's points, willing to concede that he did have some good ones. As As long as he continued answering to Abyssinian, it shouldn't matter what his name was casually. Except names were more than just what other people call a person. They were part of an identity, and Ran and Aya-kun were two identities Omi didn't feel it smart or even healthy to confuse. That was something to discuss with the man himself, however. Omi felt he'd already said quite enough to Yohji about it before even bringing it up to the redhead in question. And there was another part of Yohji's reply that begged his attention more.

Aya-chan.

He didn't miss the stress Yohji put on her name, and it rather bothered him. One didn't need to have a degree in reading people to hear that, within context of the phrase-- devalues the time he spent with us-- there was something unpleasant felt towards her. Omi knitted his eyebrows and frowned.

"What's hardly fair to her is that she's had her whole family taken away from her, she's lost two years of her life, her health looks like it may never fully recover and allow her to lead a completely normal life, and she has to live here to be protected all without knowing anything about why she needs to be. I would think the name we're using for her brother must be near the bottom of her list of worries and gripes."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Omi's speech about Aya Chan seemed a bit excessive, and more than just a little defensive to Yohji. Things it seemed, were not looking so good for Ken. Yohji frowned.

"I'll be the first to say that I don't think it was very wise to bring her here only to attempt to keep her sheltered and oblivious to what's happening all around. We're just asking for trouble with that." He reflected upon his encounter with her that morning and added, "it's quite obvious she hasn't been happy. But...."

The topic made him fidgety. Trying to talk to Ran about it had been a mistake in his opinion, and Yohji doubted he'd come out on top if Omi wanted to really argue on the matter.

"Well. Ran refuses to even consider having it any other way, so I don't see what we can do to make it better for her aside from small things like that. I'm not going to pretend I understand Ran well enough to make decisions regarding his identity, and I have even less business saying how his sister should be treated."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi shrunk in on himself slightly, a niggling sense of shame creeping up his gut. Was he being pretentious, applying his own feelings about identity to his teammate? Omi liked to think he understood him well enough to be right... and the night before had met with a positive response in the reversion.

No, he had to be right. He was doing the right thing.

"Sou da ne... But if she's not happy now... and I'm sure that what Aya-kun wants most is for her to be happy... Maybe I can ask him about it."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"what Aya wants most is for her to be alive," the bitter smile was returning to Yohji's face, "he hasn't exactly been happy himself for a long time now, I imagine that he considers one's happiness a necessary sacrifice for survival."

Omi was certainly acting like he knew an awful lot about their mutual teammate, but Yohji rather doubted that is was due to any confiding on Aya's part. Rather, it seemed like Omi was extrapolating upon his own feelings and experiences. A dangerous thing to do with a personality as cryptic as Aya's.

"It's true that he tends to take you more seriously than me," Yohji gave a sad shrug, "but I really doubt that you'll make that much more progress on the topic than I did when I talked to him."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Something about Yohji's reply just didn't sit well with Omi. Perhaps the subject of sisters and whether they were alive rather than whether they were happy. Ouka's words from the balcony the night he'd killed Hirofumi haunted him on a regular basis.

"If you're suffering, I want to suffer with you."

He could never decide if it was better this way or not.

It surprised him a little that Yohji had already tried talking to Aya about his sister. He wondered what had been said, and how. Yohji and Aya had such a tedency to argue lately. Private as Aya was... surely his sister was more important to him than, well, anything.

Including Weiß.

Omi shut his eyes. What a mess. Aya was going to be especially difficult to talk to about anything. Past experience had shown him unstable and irresponsible when it came to his loyalty. He would quit the team. Refuse to come back to it. And his sister truly was a touchy subject. Yohji wasn't wrong about that, regardless of how well he and Aya got along.

Well, sister aside, there were plenty of other subjects with him that needed broaching. Aya-chan's happiness might well be better saved for another time anyway.

"I'll keep that in mind, Yohji-kun. Thank you. I'd like to have a group meeting tonight, maybe while we eat. Can you be available for that?"

Such was Omi's typically polite way of saying "I expect to see you there."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Aye aye capt'n," Yohji grinned and gave a mock salute. He felt a greater sense of relief than he'd expected after talking to Omi. That look he'd received after walking in with Ken had deeply unsettled him, but all traces of whatever emotion Omi had broadcast last night now seemed absent. There was still the matter of Omi’s obvious avoidance of Ken, but Yohji had failed to read any animosity directed at himself present in the discomfort. Things were definitely not normal, but perhaps they weren’t quite as screwed up as Yohji had thought, either.

The hopeless feeling about his value to the team had abated a bit as well.

I’ll deal with it, he’d said. He would. He’d been dealing with it for nearly three years now; there was absolutely no reason for him to lose it. Just because Ken had said….

Deal with it, he reminded himself.

He got up, intending to follow Omi downstairs and make himself more socially available.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi's expression melted into a smile at Yohji's more playful response. That was the Yohji he most liked to see: one that at least appeared happy and cheerful. One that interacted with him like the almost-family that Omi considered him to be.

Yes. Yohji had made a very huge mistake the night before, and it had stirred up a lot of anger and a sense of betrayal. Yohji was also human, and just as Omi had told Sato, that made mistakes unavoidable. The exact cause still niggled at him inside, but the most important thing was to stay focused on the future. What had already come to pass could not be changed.

Besides, it bothered him to be on poor terms with any of his team. They were his only friends.

He had no idea how apprehensive Yohji had been about the talk, nor how relieved he was at the outcome, but he felt the atmosphere lighten considerably and was glad for that.

"Then, I'll see you there."

Now for Aya...

[Omi leaves]