Monday 1.8 - Seeking the Reins

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Feeling somewhat better about Ken's mental state, Omi made his way back downstairs, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen and blinking as he noticed Yohji picking up the mess. That was... highly unusual for him.

Omi smiled appreciatively. It was sweet of Yohji to help out. However, Omi's goal remained his redheaded teammate, who was clearly not in the kitchen with him.

"Arigatou, Yohji-kun," he said, continuing to the spiral stairs to the mission room without further attention to the scene in the kitchen. If he could talk to Ran without having to clean the kitchen at the same time, so much the better. And he didn't want to call too much attention to the contribution, lest it discourage Yohji from ever helping out again.

He poked his head into the stairwell, overhearing the muffled sound of Aya-chan's voice, which meant she was probably talking to someone. Yohji was in the kitchen and Ken was upstairs, which left--

"Aya-kun? Are you down there? We need to talk a little."

Comments

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Downstairs, Ran sat across from his sister.

"I know I used to bother you about getting yourself a girlfriend, but really, if Yohji-Kun is the best you can do..." Aya-chan dropped mischieviously.

The redheaded swordsman was taken entirely off-guard. Feeling betrayed, he decided to sidestep telling defensiveness. "Traitor," he muttered.

Slowly he was reminded what having a younger sister was like.

And he would always be grateful for it.

"Aya-kun?"

Omi's voice at the top of the stairs saved him. He mock glared at Aya-chan. "I'm here," he said, loud enough for his teammate to hear.

He had a feeling work would be calling them back soon.

"Will you be okay?" He directed at his sister.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan held back a sigh at the sound of Omi's voice; for a moment, she'd forgottem that there were others in the house.

She nodded, forcing a smile towards Ran. "Mmmhmm... I'll be fine." Paused, glanced at the pizza, and then directed her next comment towards Omi. "Omi-Kun, there's still some edible pizza left over, if you're hungry."

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi's stomach issued an angry growl, as though chorusing its agreement to Aya's implied suggestion that he eat. The pizza probably wasn't hot anymore, but that didn't make him less hungry.

Now that dinner was over, it sort of stung that he'd missed getting to eat with everyone else, and the pang of exclusion was sharp in his chest. He realized that no one had bothered to come call him or invite him to join. They probably hadn’t wanted him there. And history didn't exactly speak in his favor as his being someone whose life and presence was valued. Maybe it had really been for the best that he hadn’t intruded.

Awkwardly, he descended the stairs and attempted a shy smile. “Arigatou. I’ll eat it in a few minutes.”

He didn’t miss that he was essentially intruding on the siblings now. He pushed down his guilt as well as he could. It was important to talk to his teammate.

“It’s about last night...” He prompted to Aya, hoping he would take the hint to either suggest a more private location or that his sister leave.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran frowned, shaken out of the exchange with his sister by Omi's prompt. Omi's words finally registered with him...Aya-kun.

He wondered if his sister had noticed. She knew that they had known him as Aya while she had slept, but not the history of that person. The watchful, vengeful brother who she hadn't known, and hopefully never would.

It was a dim hope, and one Ran had resigned to giving up. His teammates didn't know Ran, couldn't conceive of him being Ran...and really, why should they?

Ran, of course, had had his own history before "Aya" was made...not completely innocent.

Named by Yohji...

"You should eat first," Ran suggested.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi's eyebrows lifted a little. Eat first? Was Ran avoiding? Hoping to delay? He couldn't actually be concerned. Omi picked up a slice and smiled. "I'll eat while we talk," he suggested.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran shifted his eyes to his sister, and back again. "Perhaps we should wait," he said. He was unwilling to send her away.

He knew that the resurrection of Kritiker was overdue, and perhaps they had simply not been vigilant. Weiss needed to regroup. Omi had grown into something other than what he had been, and Ran respected the change. He was becoming more of the leader Ran suspected Kritiker had been grooming him for all along. He had known a discussion of last night's events was overdue, and was welcoming the talk and the reactivation it signified. As long as Kritiker provided even peripheral protection for his sister, they would have his loyalty.

He didn't intend to avoid talking to Omi, but neither was he comfortable leaving Aya-chan alone in the mission room.

Neither did he miss Omi's slight awkwardness, carefully hidden. "They wondered where you were," he mentioned. It was as close as Ran would ever come to admitting he had as well, "they" by extension including himself.

And perhaps Omi's presence would have prevented all of the idiocy...and Yohji's damned....

[pichi.livejournal.com]

They wondered where he was. Somehow, it seemed like such an empty statement. They wondered, but didn't care enough to look for him. They wondered, but for whatever reason decided they didn't actually want to change it. They wondered, but no one thought to try to find out.

Omi didn't comment on it. It would be immature to voice his thoughts when they ran so bitter. He focused on the matter at hand. Better not to let things stray off-topic anyway.

Had it not been for the procession of events the night before, Omi would have felt far more uncertain about questioning Ran, who was quite clearly expressing a disagreement with his decision.

You cannot control your members.

Why did that statement bother him so much coming from a complete stranger?

But it was true. He couldn't, and it upset him that they didn't take him more seriously. That even Ran threw his opinion out the window, talked as though he himself were responsible for managing the team dynamic. It made the current disagreement, however intended, seem like another subtle defiance. A test. Would he pull rank or let himself be walked on?

But they weren't just teammates. They were people he loved and respected, whose opinions he valued-- family! They deserved to be treated like that, didn't they?

You mean like the way family calls everyone to dinner so no one will be left out?

Omi turned his head away for a few moments to school his expression and solidify his resolve. That was right, and he couldn't let himself forget it again: they did not consider him family back. To the rest of Weiß, he was just a leader.

It was time he acted like one.

Omi tipped his head curiously towards Aya, posture and expression deceptively innocent. "Should we? You didn't want to wait last night. And I can't imagine why you'd want to put it off even longer..."

Omi didn't think Ran would be very keen to share his reasoning, especially in front of his sister. If he couldn't corner Ran into an agreement, he'd have to simply ask Aya-chan himself if she could excuse them. Ran was not going to win this one.

He wouldn't fail as Leader again.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

(Deleted the old one and reposted so that it happens after this~)

Sometimes, guys were so completely unaware of how blunt they were being... Aya-Chan glanced from Omi to Ran, wondering exactly what was going on. A small sliver of curiosity remained from when Omi had called Ran 'Aya-Kun', and Aya-Chan was almost tempted to sneak off and hide herself somewhere. At least then she'd get answers...

But they weren't answers that she wanted. And betraying Ran's - or Omi's, for that matter - trust that way was the worst thing she could possibly do. She'd never forgive herself for it, and she was aware that neither Ran nor Omi would either.

"I... think I still have some homework to finish," she said, heading towards the stairs. "I'm sorry you missed the fun at dinner, Omi-Kun."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran considered his sister's retreat. She was smart. Too smart not to wonder what all this secrecy was between himself and his housemates, or the strange tension in Omi's tone.

"I'll come up later," Ran said to Aya-chan.

He nodded at Omi. "Fine," he agreed.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi was glad that Aya-chan took initiative herself in leaving. The pause in her words made Omi fairly sure it was more than well-timed coincidence. He flashed her one of his flower-shop smiles. "Ah, that's ok, I'm sure there'll be plenty of other fun opportunities later!" Wholly insincere cheerfulness, but Omi couldn't find it in him to care at that moment.

It did remind him, though, that he had a pile of homework himself, which he hadn't even started on. He'd been so busy playing catch-up and talking to Ken, then to Yohji, then to Ken again-- there simply hadn't been time. And there still wasn't time. Talk to Aya. Talk to the group. Check e mail for anything from Sato. Plan retraining routine to get everyone back into the groove of lethal teamwork.

Or whoever could. Damn it, but he couldn't think about that now. Deal with Aya now. Then figure out what to do about Yohji and Ken.

Only once Aya-chan was gone did he sigh out and allow the pleasant smile to drop. "Are you angry at me, Aya-kun?" He directed his question to the wall, hands in his pockets.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran observed the interaction between Omi and his sister. Though they were the same age, it almost seemed to him as if Omi had taken a sort of big-brother role as well.

It had been a long time since he had focused on anything but Aya-chan, and justice. With Aya-chan awake, alive, however, her own loss made his more real to him. The loss of a family. The loss of a home.

It's the past, he growled to himself.

But his connections to Weiss...he was sure that Omi had once seen Weiss as his family, the only real one he had. It had only been business to Ran. But the kindness they were showing his sister...their protection...

Recently, though, this new Omi was emerging. The one who trusted himself more, others less. Ran was sure this new persona was fitting perfectly into Kritiker's master plan.

"Are you angry at me, Aya-kun?"

Ran's eyes snapped to Omi's face.

The tentative question was in jarring contrast to his thoughts.

It brought a sense of familiarity.

Protectiveness.

Here was the unsure boy leader who had come to him, asking about the power of a name.

For a brief moment, Ran wondered if he were being manipulated.

"No," he answered. It was the truth. He could only assume Omi was referring to the night before.

Omi was not to blame for Ran's unpreparedness. It was his fault, and his alone, that he had become so...distracted.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi only barely nodded, as though afraid to give official acknowledgement to having heard. That was good. Omi once again pushed away the natural propensity towards insecurity that he had around Aya. He'd always felt it most around his role model.

Most likely, that was the root of the problem, wasn't it? He'd always looked to Aya, rather than having Aya look to him.

But it was so hard to demand anything from him. He didn't have the same strength of will Aya had, did he?

Omi drew in another breath and sighed it out. Be stronger. Be the leader. That was what he was expected to be. Anything less wasn't living up to the role, was it? Don't fall short of expectations.

He looked back up, hands fisted for personal determination.

And couldn't get a single word out. Damn it! His fists relaxed. "I'm glad... I... Aya-kun. I'm..."

Omi clenched his eyes shut. Leader. Think about it. Why should Aya respect someone insecure around him? Why should he listen to someone like that?

This time he found the assertiveness he wanted, and gazed at Aya with confidence. "I'm a little upset with you, for how you acted... I appreciated what you did while Sato was here." His eyes flickered to the wall, a weak smile coming to his face. "You've always been able to inspire me to show resolve when nothing else could."

Two more breaths of silence as Omi prepared himself. The smile disappeared.

"But after Sato left, you began calling out the team, and twice ignored me when I asked you... and then -told- you... to save it for later. I had my reasons for letting it drop for the night. You told me that we aren't a team when we pick and choose which orders we listen to. But Aya-kun... is ignoring me after Sato’s gone really any different from what Yohji-kun and Ken-kun did while he was there?" Omi looked back at his teammate. "Do you lack that much faith in my judgment?"

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran narrowed his eyes. "I was protecting my sister." It was said with a bite to it. He didn't feel it was necessary to illustrate how Yohji preparing refreshments for an intruder was different than that.

He hadn't missed the stutter. His anger at being reprimanded was tempered by the reminder that Omi felt he had something to prove.

"Omi." His tone was low but gentle. There was no one for either of them to lose face in front of. "Is having orders followed without question the only part of leadership?"

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi slightly winced from the sharpness of Aya's tone in the reply. Of course Aya would make this difficult, wouldn't he? But that was only fair. If Omi couldn't stand up to it, what right did he have to be the leader in the first place?

And then Aya had to go and confuse him and soften the tone again to that one he loved so much. The gentle, advising tone that so often helped him to see things from a new and more helpful perspective. And solid proof, as far as Omi was concerned, that he and Aya did have a strong bond after all.

"Of course it isn't... I. That isn't what..." Damn it! Why did Aya always have this effect on him? "Sato had already left, Aya-kun! He'd left and he'd already proven himself part of Kritiker! There was nothing left to protect your sister from! Unless you think one of us..." An explosion of remarks, delivered with a tone that almost sounded desperate, as though pleading that the words would make as much sense to to Aya as they made to him. That Aya wouldn't argue he did think one of them...

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"Of course not, Omi." It was about Ken, and Yohji, and anger at himself. He had no desire to bring it up now. At the time, he hadn't seen - but now that he did, he was worried for Ken, and more forgiving. It didn't need to be rehashed.

"We shouldn't let that man get to us," he commented, sidestepping a reply to the series of panicked remarks Omi volleyed at him.

Was that what this was about? Sato had also criticized their team, Ran realized. Which he had no right to do.

But he was Kritiker. They had to trust him.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi gaped at Aya, a combination of fear, worry and confusion sliding into his expression.

"What are you talking about, Aya-kun? What do you mean, we shouldn't let him..."

Of course he-- THEY-- should listen. How could Aya even suggest they shouldn't? And Aya just had to use plural, didn't he? We. Us. Inclusion. Half of Omi felt gratitude and a swelling of warmth and fulfilment in his chest that Aya had placed him as one of his own. The other hated that he had; how was he going to be able to control his team if he didn't separate himself?

But how was he going to take care of them if he did? Yohji. Ken. Aya and his sister.

A headache niggled at the corner of his forehead, right in front of the temple. Omi's hand rose to hold his arm just above the elbow. He should have known Aya would crumble his facade of strength as easily as he could kick down a sand castle. He probably saw right through it all along.

"What am I not doing right, Aya-kun? What's missing from..." Aya said it himself, hadn't he? There was more to leadership than giving orders-- and more than what he saw in Omi. Aya could tell him what Ken and Yohji hadn't.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

It had always taken Ran by surprise that Omi looked to him for advice, but at the same time it had never occured to him to question it. It was simply the matter that he had always been so focused on his solving his own problems, and the way the others sometimes looked to him and each other seemed almost foreign.

He had always felt a strange sort of kinship with Omi, however. Perhaps it was that they were just filling in roles for one another, that somehow all along he had sensed the older brother in Ran...

"Omi. You're doing fine." Ran said finally, after a long pause. He examined Omi, violet eyes unblinking. "Weiss is a strong team. We have to train and trust one another."

He couldn't voice it yet, but he hoped that they could trust each other more than that man.

Would Omi trust Weiss over Kritiker?

"Omi," he added. Somehow this was important that Omi, if not the others, would accept...

You're Omi Tsukiyono...

"I'm...not Aya." It felt like a lie. What had he brought his sister home to? "I'm Ran."

The name still felt as if he were trying to put on shoes he'd worn as an infant.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi wasn’t sure he could believe him. He’d always trusted his redheaded teammate, and logically, there was no reason not to continue to trust him. Except hearing those words didn’t cure his mind of the confusion, or alleviate the squirms of anxiety that tumbled in his stomach. There was an inadequacy there, somewhere. And apparently, he was going to have to find it himself. Maybe he already had-- the simple fact that he couldn’t treat his teammates-- his family-- as any less than that. He couldn’t stand up to them if they challenged him; he depended on their cooperation and trust to effectively lead them, rather than any system of enforcement.

However, more words filled the air and derailed his train of thought before it could go any further. Words of a subject Omi had intended to bring up... but he hadn’t wanted it to start like this. A pit of awkwardness dove in to join the squirms of anxiety. For a long time, Omi didn’t say a word, or even acknowledge that he’d heard him with a glance his way.

Slowly, he slid down the wall to the floor with a sad smile. “You’re always going to be Aya-kun to me. You know... I thought, at first... I really wanted to respect the change, after what...” He decided not to say more. He was certain he had communicated enough to refer to the incident of his own identity crisis, and the way the man in front of him had helped to resolve it.

“But then, after a while of trying it, and thinking about it... I really...” Another pause; Omi frowned, still determinedly watching the stain on the couch instead of whatever emotion those violet eyes across from him held. “Aya-kun, I--“ He couldn’t help a smile. There he’d gone again. Simple habit. Aya-kun.

“Gomen, but the more I thought about it... I just... I think it’s dangerous to try to be Ran again. Ran is who Aya-chan knows, and if Ran is also in Weiß, then you lose the separation you wanted between her and our job, don’t you? And after all you taught me, I can’t help feeling that ‘Ran’ is the past, he’s an identity that...” Omi felt his nervousness coming back. He hoped Aya wouldn’t be too upset with him for all he was saying. Hoped he would understand.

“That shouldn’t challenge who you are now. You’re a different person now than who you were then, aren’t you? It’s trouble to try to live as someone you no longer have the power to be. And...”

Omi swallowed, and finally looked at his teammate with a warm expression. A blush dusted his cheeks. “Spending time with your sister has made me think... Ran must have been very happy, back then. I’d like him to stay that way... In the past, where his happiness is safe.”

Omi didn’t think he needed to explain that any further. They both knew it in their hearts: Weiß was not a place where people could be happy.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Some part of him resonated with Omi's words, acknowledging their truthfulness. Nevertheless, outwardly, he shut down, eyes losing their luster, fading to lavender.

It was the only indication that Omi's well-intentioned evaluation had hit so close to his core.

Ran must have been happy back then.

But it wasn't about his happiness. The pretense was for Aya-chan, and since...since Takatori, that's all it had been.

Was he only being selfish, protecting Aya from the truth of who he was? The brother who had stolen her name and tainted it in her sleep?

But that hadn't been his intention. He had gotten his revenge for them both, worn it for her so that she could still be living...

"I cannot use my sister's name," he said, a low rumble.

He made to get up. The past, his identity, their problems - they were his burdens. He disliked talking about himself, or disclosing his private fears. He would help the others if he could, but this matter was pointless. His past was gone. His sister was his present.

Weiss is also your present.

His teammates.

His eyes brushed across Omi involuntarily. He closed them and turned his head stubbornly.

His friends...more than just a team... He shoved the thought away.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

Omi’s smile faded at the change in Aya’s expression; he hadn’t meant to depress him. It was a little painful to see all the life drain from the face of the man he admired so much, knowing it was because of his words.

But he couldn’t take them back, and didn’t feel he’d want to even if he could. They were words of the truth. Omi belatedly noticed Aya must think so, too-- he hadn’t disagreed with him.

"I cannot use my sister's name."

“It’s not just her name anymore!” Omi stubbornly argued, before he could even stop to process what he’d heard. “It’s part of you now too... Isn’t it?” His voice hitched at the end. A shadow of uncertainty fell over him; he realized he was making assumptions about Aya that just might not be true. But it felt so right to Omi... how could they possibly be wrong?

“Aya-kun isn’t Aya-chan... I...”

At that point, Aya’s words finally registered and resurfaced in his mind. He couldn’t use his sister’s name. He must feel using it in Weiß was tainting her by extension... or that he had no right to continue bearing the name of someone innocent.

That answer had been very like Aya, hadn't it? He’d neither denied the truth nor changed his mind. And Omi’s answer had responded to that issue before he’d even been aware of its existence.

Omi looked down and smiled again. “Gomen. I can’t help feeling it’s a bit wrong of me to push the subject. I just want you to recognize who you are as much as I do. You did the same thing for me, and it’s important to me to return the favor. Please think about it."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Recognize who I am...

Did it really matter?

Ran's fingers curled and tensed. He forced himself to look back at Omi and give a short nod for the boy's efforts. "Hn." He responded, unable to do more.

Assuming Omi would have brought it up if there was more between them to talk about, Ran turned and disappeared up the stairs, feet landing quickly and heavily on the carpet.

[pichi.livejournal.com]

...Where was he going?! Omi started to get up and attempted a protest, but found his voice muted, realizing that while he didn't feel their talk was over, he couldn't pinpoint what exactly was left. Maybe it was the fact that the issue of how Aya had acted the night before had not been resolved in Omi's mind. Maybe he'd left deliberately to avoid it being addressed further.

Even without that, Omi had at least wanted to have a brief meeting as a group. He now found himself alone-- again. He watched the empty staircase for several moments after Aya vanished.

With a sigh, Omi flopped onto the couch and pulled out one of his darts, taking a few minutes to project his negativity on it while watching it rotate between his fingers.

Maybe he really didn’t have a team anymore.