The Black Cross

After his shower, Ken tried to sleep. It should have been easy enough. The shower was relaxing, it had been quite a day, and falling into a peaceful sleep should have been a no-brainer.

Ten minutes of twisting in his sheets, and he gave up. He groggily stumbled out of bed, grabbed a t-shirt to go with his pajama pants(lady in the house)and shuffled his way into the kitchen. All the while, a slideshow of images played in his head, new and vivrant memories interspersed with faded ones.

Yuriko laughing, Kase grinning, Yohji smirking, Omi's shy smile. Omi's shy smile melting into something harder, darker. Kase's sneering face at the other end of a gun. Yohji's glare, steeled, jaded and condeming when he denounced Ken's right to Yumiko, half-wild and desperate, tears overflowing like Omi's shocked face with beer running down the wall--

As all this was going on internally, Ken had the fridge door open and was staring into it blindly. He was barely aware that Ran was there, and he stood like that for a good five minutes.

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Ran watched Ken's movements quietly from the table. He eventually placed his bookmark carefully between the pages of his book and set it in front of him.

He wasn't even sure if Ken saw him.

Yohji's cryptic comment earlier about something between Ken and Omi, coupled with his earlier warning about his health - that something was out of place was starkly evident in Ken's face as he opened the refridgerator and proceeded to stand there, leaking cold air into the room.

"Ken," Ran stated, voice quiet.

He didn't know what he would say past that, but it was obvious he couldn't stay silent.

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It took a second for Ken to realize that someone was addressing him, then one more to process that it was Ran. It jarred him; he mentally chastized himself for spacing out.

"Yeah?" Ken reached in an automatically grabbed a beer-

You've been drinking a lot more lately...

He put it back and grabbed a bottle of water instead. Shutting the refridgerator door, he turned to face Ran with a carefully neutral face.

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Ran met him with silence, observing as he took alcohol only to put it back.

Ken had never drunk much before.

The thought caused him some surprise. Did he really know that?

Did Ran really know anything about them?

He hadn't needed to. Didn't need to. But despite what Yohji thought -

He cared.

And it was more than just whether the teammate in front of him could function on missions. He and Ken, he felt there was an understanding between them at times -

He almost offered him tea, but Ken with a teacup almost made the stoic swordsman smile inopportunely.

Instead, he pushed a chair gently back from the table wordlessly.

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This was strange. Ken couldn't tell if it was good or bad, but it was something.

Surprisingly, this wordless invitation...

That was it. It was an invitation. Not a demand, an order, or even a strong suggestion. It was damn near...friendly.

But there were things hanging in the air, so this could go sour if Ken didn't keep his cool.

Ken pulled out the chair a bit more and sat, cracking open his water bottle and giving Ran a nod to say whatever he wanted to say.

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Sitting stiffly as Ken sat in the chair, he kept his eyes on Ken's face, amethyst eyes even beneath the shocks of hair.

This wasn't his business.

He didn't know why Yohji had come to him. Conversation was not his forte. It wasn't that they weren't friends, of some sort - but he had no way to fix whatever was ailing Ken. He could treat his wounds and perhaps silent companionship in the shop or on those rare days they were all in the mission room, reading or watching tv or training, but this was outside the realm of Ran's experience.

And Ken, from his expression, felt the same way. It would be better for them to spar, and get their latent emotions out through aggression and focus.

He gave a slight nod, acknowledging that Ken had chosen to sit with him, then picked up his book again. "There's tea on the stove," he said.

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"What?" Ken looked confused; it quickly morphed into irritation. "I can see that-"

All that just to say there was tea on the stove. Jesus Christ. Typical.

"Whatever it is, just say it. Don't hide behind a book." Ken downed a few swallows of water.

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Ran slapped the said book down on the table.

Breathe.

This was why it was better to keep to himself.

He was not hiding behind the book he'd been reading before Hidaka had come and stood like a sleepwalker in the room.

Fine. Ken wanted him to say it?

"What's going on between the three of you?"

That was not what he'd intended to ask. But he felt it was inexplicably at the heart of all issues.

Issues, he added to himself, that could affect their performance as Weiss.

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Ken almost opened his mouth to say “Who?” but stopped himself in the nick of time. This wasn’t completely unexpected but he was still surprised that Ran seemed to care.

Oh damn. If Ken answered the entire question that could cause a lot of problems. But Ken couldn’t, no, wouldn’t lie about what was going on. If Ran was asking, it meant he noticed. If he noticed something wrong-

It meant things were finally starting to get under his armor. Interesting. There might be a way to steer this conversation in the right direction.

Ken gave him a hard look. “Don’t you really mean, what’s going on with me and Yohji?”

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Ran narrowed his eyes. What was going on -

Last night. Coming in together.

Was Kudoh toying with him?! Telling him to ask Ken about him and Omi, when Yohji had just taken out the soccer player last night?

But what would that matter? Why would he care? Why would that have anything to do with Ken losing his grip?

What had he done with Ken last night?

He didn't like the look on Ken's face. He should have left him to his thoughts by the refridgerator.

Ran steeled his gaze. "That's not what I asked. Kudoh said Omi was angry with him. You're involved."

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You're not going to talk about this with Yohji-kun. Right?

Ken couldn't help the involuntary flinch that memory sparked. It did make him clench his teeth a little.

"I don't know why Omi's mad at him. What I do want to know is when you started talking to Yohji. Instead of just brushing him off."

It was a bit of a wild feint, but it might work.

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Ran bristled. Where did Ken get off turning this on him?

It irritated him more to realize that Ken had a point. He couldn't help it if the damned man followed him out of the house.

An image of Yohji came to him unbidden, earlier yesterday, struggling to meditate. And failing. Pain etched into his features.

He shook it off. That was nothing new. They all had their pain. There was simply less to distract them from it these days.

"I don't know what you mean." It was gritted out.

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"The hell you don't." Ken noticed the bristling. It only urged him on.

"You have two modes with Yohji. Either you ignore him completely, or you treat him like a bug flying around your head." Ken made a swatting motion with his hand.

"But you aren't happy when he flies away, are you? If he stops paying attention to you, if he stops jumping through hoops to get you to notice him..." Ken let the sentence trail off.

"Think about it. You didn't really notice he was alive until we came home the other night."

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A very strong urge to punch Ken swelled up. He could deny it, it would be honest. He wouldn't have cared but for the intrusion of Yutaro Sato. They had given a bad impression of their team.

He didn't care.

He forced himself to stay in his seat. He watched Ken evenly, his stare like that of a cat watching a bug it intends to eat. "Where are you going with this?"

Ken must have a point.

The thought was enough to almost make him laugh. Since when did Ken need a reason to provoke him? It was the household's favorite activity, with the possible exeption of Omi.

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"Bottom line: you piss me off, Fujimiya." Not Ran, not Aya, no connotations from either. Just the basics, addressing him like he wore a jersey on his back.

"You've had your head in the game for so long you don't know when you've won. You got revenge, your sister...and someone tripping over themselves for you."

Ken was starting to lose his temper, but he was on a roll, and the sharp little pain behind his eye could just wait until he was finished.

"But you can't accept anything unless you have to fight over it. I mean, what the hell were you thinking, asking him to Explo? Explo?! Was that some sort of fucking joke to you? Or are you so fucking caught up in your little world that you didn't think standing him up was going to make a difference?"

God it felt good to let that out. The little pain was getting sharper but he was almost done...

"I can't believe I spent even a minute being jealous of you. You have the prize sitting right there in front of you and you're still miserable! Christ! Just because you don't have much of a heart left doesn't mean he's the same."

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Ran pushed back from the table in one smooth movement, knocking his chair over. "What the fuck are you talking about, Hidaka." His fists were clenched by his sides. He could take Ken. Not easily, but he could take him. And he would. But first, he needed an explanation. What had Yohji told him about Explo? Why had he told him about that? There was no way Yohji would go, and Ran -

Apparently, they knew Ran wouldn't go. What difference did it make? Yohji got out of it scot free. It shouldn't matter to anyone.

Prize...don't have much of a heart left... It was so out of the blue, so incredibly...

The two of them had planned this. There was no doubt. They were fucking with him. Yohji had been setting him up all week. Ken had been helping him.

Ran clenched his fists tighter.

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He could feel his heart rate speeding up. It was just adrenaline. Nothing to worry about, this is healthy anger, righteous even. The headache was just a side effect.

Ken got out of his own chair, teeth bared, fists clenched.

“He wants you, you stupid fuck! YOU! I’m just a substitute player! Open your goddamn eyes!”

The headache was painful just stress.

“It’s always about you! Yohji pining, acting up, Omi always looking up to you, trying to fucking be like you-“

That was where he’d seen that expression on Omi’s face before. The single-minded, ruthless, merciless determination, only on an older face framed with red forelocks-

“It’s always always always you, and I’m never gonna be good enough, and you just fucking breeze on by being fucking perfect and I CAN’T STAND IT!”

Why was he yelling? It just made things worse. He wasn’t supposed to say those things…ever.

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Ken exploded, and all Ran's assumptions suddenly bled away, his teammate's words falling on his ears to be reviewed later. He doubted they mattered. He loosened his fists and held them up.

Finally, Ran saw what Yohji had been trying to tell him. This wasn't rational Ken.

"Ken."

He stayed where he was, stance loose. Unassuming, but prepared to fight. "Omi looks up to you. Yohji is your friend. I-"

What could he say? Was this man his friend? They'd spent so much time together - Ken had played just as strong a part as the rest of them in saving his sister. They had always worked together well on missions. They hadn't talked much, not aside from their occasional bickering, but then again Ken had been right. Ran didn't talk to any of them much.

"You're a good teammate," he said. Then, finally, "I'm your friend, Ken."

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"Don't throw that word around with me, dammit, I'm warning you-!"

Of what? This had to stop. It had gone too far. It was too much...he'd fucked up again.

Somehow he found the willpower to sit in the chair. He grabbed the sides with a white-knuckle grip, desperate to stop himself before he did anything else monumentally stupid.

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"Ken." Ran stated, "I don't know what's going on. But you have to get it under control. You can't afford not to."

He watched his teammate warily, unmoving and tense.

The anger was still there from all the words the soccer player had thrown at him; dealing with his mental deconstruction overshadowed it.

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Ken bit back the bitter retort that sprang to his lips, but he did give Ran a heated glare.

Count to ten for me. No speed-counting, that's cheating.

"One." Ken inhaled, held the breath, and released it. "Two. Three."

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Ran wanted nothing more than to flee the room, but Ken started counting out loud. The stark emphasis on his struggle for control over his own emotions nearly made Ran flinch.

He waited; then carefully uprighted his chair. Taking his teacup, he dumped the liquid then cleaned it to Ken's count, finally returning to stand by the table. He watched Ken's face expressionlessly. It was his call now.

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There had to be something beyond flight or fight. By the time Ken reached ten, he was still angry, but he wasn’t enraged. He did wonder what hidden wellspring in his head those words had spewed out from.

Not that they weren’t true. Even in his anger he could admit that much. It brought up a much harder question, one that was really difficult to deal with.

Was he trying to help Yohji, or trying to help himself?

Admit it Hidaka. There was a part of you that loved watching Ran getting riled up. You enjoyed watching him suffer.

That last part wasn’t true. He cared about Yohji, and really wanted to see him happy. It was just that Ran was so needlessly cold, acting like he was still trapped in hell when he had almost everything anyone could want sitting right within his grasp.

“Everyone around here cares about him so much and it just bounces right off of that force field.” Ken blinked. He hadn’t meant to say that part aloud. He tried to cover for the blunder by continuing.

“It’s annoying, watching them all vying for crumbs of your affection. And I have to sit here and be quiet about it. Really…annoying.” He had finally wound down to a quiet simmer.

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Ran's stare was even, unblinking.

He was taken aback by Ken's apparent anger at him. He had left all of them alone, or his tried his damnedest to. Yet, here was his teammate, blaming him for -

“Everyone around here cares about him so much and it just bounces right off of that force field.” Him. Yohji? That didn't make sense.

Was Ken actually talking about Ran? What did that mean? What could they possibly care about? It was dangerous to care.

Vying for...

He didn't know what Ken was seeing, but it wasn't reality. He was only here for the tools to protect his sister, and if he wasn't wanted -

Ken seemed under control again, as under control as he ever got. He was too honest -

Ken was honest. Tactless, but honest. What was he seeing?

Ran did not feel like giving the punch the other man deserved.

Finally, he blinked, a brief closure of eyes that had turned to lilac glass. It was too late at night for this. Emotionally -

Emotionally, it didn't matter. Ran needed to get it under control.

Soundlessly, with a glacial look in Ken's direction, Ran took his book from the table and turned on his heel, exiting upstairs.

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He hadn't meant to be gone long, but Yohji had managed to nurse his latte until the barista kicked him out so she could close.

He didn't want to go back to the Koneko.

For as long as he stayed away, he could hang on to the image that had met him at the hospital. Ran. Posture relaxed, facial creases in all the wrong places. Ran, but not Ran.

Seeing him again would undo it all.

Ran had never even looked like that with Aya-chan.

Maybe he should have gone right back. Clinging to what he'd seen was unhealthy. He wasn't supposed to have seen it, and he sure as Hell would never see Ran like that again.

I wish he would let down his guard that much when he knew I was looking.

Yohji was so wrapped up in his thoughts that it took him a moment to realize the kitchen wasn't empty.

Ken.

Ken was flushed, and looked a little glazed. Something was definitely off.

Yohji walked over and bent to look into Ken's face. "Did something happen?" he asked quietly.

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Ken took a good look at Yohji's face and felt like an absolute heel.

He didn't show it. Instead, he gave the man a rueful smile and shook his head a little.

"I got into a fight with Ran. Not a fistfight or anything-"

Almost was one-

Ken looked away. "Um...I think there's tea on the stove if you want some."

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Yohji wasn't able to stop the "uh oh," from dropping. A fistfight might have been preferable. A fistfight would have been normal. Ken and Ran fighting verbally was not 'normal.' And there were only so many likely topics they would have been fighting about....

He walked over to the stove and poured himself some tea. After all that coffee, tea was the very last thing Yohji needed. But it afforded him a moment to stall, and staunch the distress invoked by Ken's words. He stared at the cup blankly for a moment, and then produced a hip flask from the back of one of the cupboards. With his tea properly fortified, Yohji had the nerve to sit down and look at Ken calmly.

The words What did you say to him? burned to be asked. Yohji shoved them aside and replaced the question with a more important one.

"Are you going to be okay?"

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Ken's reply was "Of course." What hung unspoken after was Right?

"So where'd you go?" A limping change of topic, but Ken could't stay on this one. Not without revealing just what an ass he'd been.

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"A cafe."

No. Not a cafe. The cafe. The one he had to go clear across town to visit, because it was part of a different district and a different life. There were dozens of coffee shops closer to the Koneko. This cafe was for days when he felt particularly depressed. Or self indulgent. He supposed that letting himself get depressed was self indulgent.

Maki had agreed it was a very nice dive.

"Should I be...worried...about what you and Ran were fighting about?"

He wasn't asking because he thought it was about him. There were lots of things they could have been fighting about, many that might be harmful to all four--no five--of them. That Sato incident, for starters. He was just worried about Ken, right?

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"Should I be...worried...about what you and Ran were fighting about?"

Seconds ticked by in silence. With each passing moment the weight of Ken's guilt seemed to almost become physical, and his head slowly sunk further and further down.

"I think so," Ken finally answered in the same tone as a shamed child in confessional.

"I blew up at him. Said I hated him because all of you love him so much and he doesn't care. It's not fair. And-shit Yohji. I'm sorry." Ken couldn't even look him in the eye.

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Yohji tried not to wince. Ken said all of you, not Yohji. Maybe it wasn't as bad as he feared...

...it only took one look at Ken's guilt-ridden face to tell that whatever he'd said was almost definitely as bad as he was thinking.

He took an especially generous swig of his tea so his mind could have a second to process this.

"It's okay," he finally sighed, "it's not like I was being secretive about it or anything."

Despite his reassurance, Yohji could feel the tiniest twinge of panic creeping in. It caused a fight. Ran definitely didn't want to hear about it. Now he's going to consider it a bad thing since it makes Ken upset. Even if he was receptive to the idea, he'll now think it's bad for the team. Shit...

"Um," don't let Ken see this bothers you! "Can I ask for more details than that? I just want to know what he knows so I won't...you know, say the wrong thing around him."

He should of put more brandy in his tea than that.

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Ken made two attempts to start talking and failed.

To hell with it. He needed a beer. He got up and grabbed one from the fridge, popping the cap barehanded and downing the whole thing in close to one go.

It made it easier to start talking. Ken recounted the entire fight, from start to finish, only leaving out the not-so-minor detail of his rage induced headache.

And although he did his best face Yohji like a man and accept the asskicking that was surely going to come his way-

not like I'd blame him

-the reality of how badly he'd lost control made recounting the ugly details an excrutiating process.

"And then he just picked up his book and left. Next thing I knew you were home." Ken finshed the last of the beer and put the bottle on the counter without looking at it.

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"Ah."

Yohji emptied his tea cup.

"...Ah."

Holee shit, Ken really doesn't censor himself does he?

"...."

It's not like you didn't know about his temper when you confided in him.

"...."

Not that I really had a choice about confiding, given the circumstances.

"...."

Say something, idiot.

"Well, shit," Yohji shrugged, like the situation was comical rather than serious, "I suppose that's karma for me, eh?"

Omi would agree, anyway.

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"Don't joke..." Ken finally looked him in the eye. Don't put the mask back on. Yell at me, attack me, whatever, but don't shut me out.

"Look, the only reason I'm sorry for what I said is because I had no right to tell him. Otherwise." Ken swallowed. "Otherwise it's the truth."

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"Sometimes the truth isn't the best way to get what you want," Yohji sighed.

He got up and retrieved his flask from the back of the cupboard. Unopened, he stared at it a moment, trying to figure out what to say. He was too tired to risk starting Ken on another fight. He wasn't mad anyway. He was...not sure what he was. Aware that where ever he had stood with Ran, this meant a big step backwards. Backwards from nowhere hardly mattered did it?

"This wasn't because you were mad at me for what I said in front of Omi, was it?"

You always draw the most cynical conclusions....

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Ken took a step back as though Yohji had slapped him in the face.

"You think." Ken had to fight for air. "You think I'm trying to sabotage you?" He could feel the blood draining from his face.

Failure. Everything he tried to do to help just blew up in his face.

"Yohji..."

Ken took one step. Then another. And another, faster and faster until his was flying up the stairs two at a time. He pounded on Aya's door, then simply flung it open.

There was the floor. He folded himself into the humblest bow he could feasibly pull off, frantically and repeatedly apologizing. At one point he actually did vomit a little, the stress of the entire day and the last beer being a bit too much, but he just spat and continued apologizing.

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