Tuesday 1.4 - Collapse

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji surveyed the floor, bottle of disinfectant and paper towels in hand.

To think I used to make such a big deal out of avoiding chores, he thought grimly, sure came back on me with a vengance.

Everything was clean, he'd managed to erase the physical evidence of Ken's meltdown. Granted, that was the easy part of this mess. There was no longer a reason for him to stay here.

This is probably the last time Ran's going to let me set foot in his room. After everything Ken said, he's probably going to cut me off completely.

He looked around, trying to take everything in, in spite of his exhaustion. There was so little to take in. No TV. No posters. Nothing extraneous except a handful of books. They weren't even very exciting looking books.

What does it feel like to be Ran Fujimiya? Yohji sat down on Ran's bed and closed his eyes. He tried imagining for a moment what it would be like to have a sister like Aya-chan. The thought unsettled him. If I had a sister like Aya-chan, the first thing I'd do is make sure she didn't hang around anyone like me.

When he closed his eyes, he'd only meant to stay there for a moment. He'd thought he'd give Ran's meditating one more try, in this properly ascetic environment.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep.

Comments

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

The meeting on the bridge, going and coming, had taken less than an hour.

Ran slipped inside the Koneko and was greeted by welcoming silence. The lights were off, and nothing but the whirr of appliances could be heard. He stood still for a moment, looking at the place that was still his home.

And his cage.

But it could be worse. Ran passed a hand across his face, as if he could wipe it clean.

He didn't know what he'd been thinking. Of course, Kritiker wouldn't let him be a free agent. They were too unsure of his loyalty to them.

For good reason.

But in a few months, if Sato was good to his word -

No use thinking about it now.

He trudged upstairs, and wondered how much of a mess he had to clean up from Ken.

His door was open. Unexpectedly, it smelled more of cleaning solution than anything else. It still brought a wave of irritation. This has gone on enough, Hidaka.

...Yohji was still on his bed.

Ran opened his mouth to snap at him, when a soft snore came from his sprawled teammate. He halted where he was.

His face looked more concerned asleep than it did when the older man was awake. Yohji's lips were slightly parted, and his bare stomach, toned from many missions, rose with deep slumbering breaths. His feet hung over the side of the bed.

Yohji had cleaned up after Ken, then - what was this? Offering Ran his bed only to take his? Or had he simply been so exhausted -

Ran's face was naked for once, confusion predominating his expression.

His eyes, free for once to do as they wished, watched Kudoh as he slept.

He was beautiful.

...the man knew it.

But without the mask - the pain on his face found a resonance, a mirror in the man watching him.

Ran sat down in his chair. It was a position he'd become used to over the years.

What do you want from me.

He watched Yohji's sleeping face. Without fear of discovery, he was soothed by the sound of his breathing.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji awoke to that eerie feeling he sometimes got when Momoe san's cat was staring at him.

He sat up and stretched blearily, not immediately sure of where he was. Ran's face was an unexpected apparition, and a catalyst for all the memories of that morning's distressing occurrences to return. He scrambled off the bed and shot to his feet.

"Shit Ran, I'm sorry. I meant to be gone before you got back."

Ran was just sitting there. Why hadn't he kicked Yohji out as soon as he found him? That was kind of weird.

He took a step towards the door, but didn't immediately finish crossing the room. He was curious to see if Ran actually intended to comment on any of the past few hours events, or if he was hoping that Yohji would just silently disappear.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes widened at Yohji's sudden movenment. They fell quickly back into neutrality. He didn't move.

He kept observing Yohji's face, eyes hooded.

"Why are you so eager," He asked quietly, "to intrude?"

Ran watched him.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Not the question Yohji expected to be asked. Was it a trap? Ran obviously didn't want to be intruded upon, so any answer must be wrong.

Yohji stared at the bed for a moment, wishing he hadn't paused after cleaning. He could be back in his own room, getting more rest before having to deal with such difficult questions.

Still, Ran hadn't kicked him out.

He searched Ran's face for some sort of clue to indicate how he felt about Yohji's intrusion. Or how he felt about anything for that matter. The man had wiped himself completely blank.

"I was sort of under the impression that Ken already spelled that out for you."

He took another cautious step towards the door.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

No.

No. They might not think they have any purpose to fill their days with, but it was not going to be at Ran's expense any longer.

Ran took two steps forward and gripped Yohji's arm, spinning him around and slamming him lightly into the wall, the dent he'd made earlier by the blonde's ear. "I will not," his voice shook slightly beneath the growl, "be the butt of your jokes any longer. If you and Ken need an occupation, find it elsewhere."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Joke."

Yohji had to repeat Ran's words to believe it. It didn't matter what Ken had said, because Ran wasn't going to listen.

"You think this is a fucking joke?"

Anger cut through his exhaustion, and he met Ran's eyes with a rivaling glare.

"I didn't want to be the one to say it, but Ken needs to see a doctor. He's coming completely unhinged. You really think I'd take advantage of him in a state like that, just to play a joke on you?"

He jerked his arm out of Ran's grip, and grabbed him back. "If you hate me, just say so. But don't you dare accuse me of being that kind of sick psychopath."

He'd meant to try to flip them around, Ran certainly deserved to get slammed into a wall himself after this repeat performance. But the words were draining what little energy Yohji had left. His fingers dug into Ran's wrist with a silent desperation.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes widened, an emotion rarely seen flitting across them before they narrowed again in distrust.

Yohji met his glare, a spark of anger lighting the green. His fingernails pressed into Ran's skin, but Ran, for once, was surprised into submission.

He was serious?

The man was staring at him intently. He smelled like a musk Ran couldn't name, and alcohol, and something distinctly Yohji.

What could he want from him? Sex? Did Yohji really think he could just fuck with him as easily as one of the dates he brought home? What would that do to them after? What would that do to the team?

What scared him was that he wasn't repulsed by the idea.

What scared him was...

Yohji was a playboy, and Ran was unattainable. That was all. Ran finally yanked his wrist away, turning his head to the side. "Get out of my room, Kudoh."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji watched Ran's normally impassive face flicker with cryptic emotion. He had somehow gotten to Ran, although whether the result was anger, disgust, or...something else...Yohji couldn't peg.

The evaluating sweep of his eyes wasn't missed though.

He didn't say he hates me.

Ran turned away before speaking.

People break eye contact when they lie. Does he not want me to leave?

Or maybe the sight of me really does make him sick

Yohji stayed frozen. He didn't know how to handle this. He was used to casually exchanged phone numbers and easy spur-of-the-moment dates. He wasn't used to caring if he wasn't wanted. He was out of practice.

As if any amount of practice could decipher Ran.

"Why do you want me to leave?"

He regarded Ran carefully, although his view was partially obscured by an errant lock of hair that hung in his face.

It should be impossible to have hair that color, Yohji's mind strayed.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran wasn't sure he had an answer for that. He looked at Yohji reproachfully, but made no response. Anger at the other man's prying saved him from honesty.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

He was rapidly losing ground. If he wanted to get any farther, he was going to have to just leave and let Ran think about it.

But first Ran needed to actually hear him say it. A confession only voiced by Ken was easier for Ran to brush off.

But what do I say?

‘I like you’ didn’t hit the mark by a long shot. Yohji would feel like one of those stupid girls in the flower shop.

He couldn’t say the other thing. He wasn’t ready. It had only been what, two years? Or maybe it was four. It was so soon, and he hadn’t intended to use the word love ever again.

‘I want you,’ is what Ran expected to hear. It might be true, but sounded completely wrong. Ran would say no to that, Yohji was positive.

I am completely and utterly obsessed with you. Way to be creepy, Kudoh.

What had he said to Asuka? I love you. No. Before that. I can’t remember before that. A new surge of panic hit as Yohji realized that in so little time, tiny pieces of Asuka were already dissolving from his memory.

He tried to ground himself by staring at Ran. He reached over and turned the other man’s face so he was forced to look at him back.

“Ran,” he paused, grasping for words that wouldn’t come, “I don’t even know how to begin to describe how I feel about you. It’s making me crazy.” That sounded stupid, but it was too late to take it back. “The only thing I want in the world right now is for you to give me a chance, Ran.” He let go of his face and braced himself on the wall. “You were giving me the impression that you weren’t entirely opposed to that idea,” he said, turning to leave now, “I really hope that wasn’t your idea of a joke.”

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's hand shot out and gripped Yohji's arm before he could stop himself.

Teammates. They'd been teammates.

He knows more about you than anyone.

He knows very little.

But the emotion Ran was feeling - it was unnamable, perhaps a mixture of many - was rising to the surface.

How had Ran not noticed? Yohji had been trying so hard to get into his world. But it had taken Ken vomiting on his floor to get him the chance to sleep in his bed.

This, Sato, this is what is wrong with our team...

Shocked, he didn't react to the violating touch to his face.

"A chance at what."

Ran felt nauseous. When had this started? How long had he -

He wanted it.

Ran, without realizing, had been letting Yohji see him all along. Parts of himself, glimpses no one else was allowed to see.

Why had he done it.

Ran. Suddenly, he recognized Yohji's use of his name. His eyes snapped up to Yohji's face.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

A chance at what.

Ran was asking him for definitions Yohji hadn't grasped yet.

His mind was practically a vault of pick-up lines. But where was the follow-up? Those rare phrases were so unused that Yohji no longer knew where to find them.

Ran Fujimiya, will you go out with me? Stupid, stupid, stupid. He hadn't had an actual relationship in so long, how do you do this?

Ran's eyes were boring into him. He looked...scared.

If you say the wrong thing he's going to bolt and you'll never get another chance like this.

He wanted to say, here, let me show you. Actions came easier than words.

That wasn't appropriate.

Ran's hand was already clinging to his arm. He couldn't get mad if Yohji just slipped it down into his own, right? Holding his hand seemed like a reasonable place to start. It was much warmer than it looked.

"I want a chance," he started clumsily, "to..." he wanted to get closer to Ran, but didn't dare. These weren't things meant to be said across a gap. "Well, I want to be with you." Still vague. He was really trying though. "I want to be around you all the time and not get pushed away or shut out. I'd like for someday it to not be such a bad thing if I fall asleep in your room."

That last sentence was probably pushing it.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Yohji's hands were calloused, and that detail was safe to focus on. Ran wondered how his women reacted, then shut the thought out.

One by one, the rest of his internal systems were shutting down too. He should never have asked that.

It was laughable. Yohji, turning to him for normalcy.

The thought - Yohji liked men - was present as well. Alongside, Yohji never questioned if Ran did.

But it didn't matter. It was surreal Yohji was bothering to have this conversation, and that Ran was allowing it.

He dropped his hand.

He could barely care for his sister. He had nothing to give. Missions would take one of them, sooner or later. Yohji had ten million grating habits. Distraction.

He took a step back. "Get out."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Well, it’s not as if Yohji would have expected that to have gone any differently.

Actually, if he’d known ahead of time that he’d find himself standing here in Ran’s room and confessing so soon, and had tried to plan out all the potential outcomes, he’d of said that this went quite well. Nothing had been thrown at him, at least. Ran’s get out had almost been civil.

It’s not like you thought he’d say yes.

Or even maybe.

He made no attempt to argue or further plead his case. This was way too soon. Ran looked like he was slipping into shock.

If I’d taken it slower and given him more time to get used to the idea….

...then one of us might be dead before I even told him.

At least I won’t die with unfinished business.

He stepped backwards towards the door, so he could continue watching Ran. Even with the conflicted expression of shock marring his features, the man looked, well, elegant.

He gave Ran a sad smile as he grasped the door knob. “If that’s what you want.”

Before letting go, Ran’s hand had gripped his back. There’s still something there.

Yohji went back to his room and crawled into bed without changing his clothes.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Alone, Ran shut the door gingerly and leaned against it, staring across the room at nothing.

Finally, Ran pushed upright, and went to get ready for work.