Tuesday 1.8 - Interruptions

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

It'd already been what felt like hours, and she hadn't been able to write a single word down. Homework was the least of her worries at the moment. She frowned down at the paper, her mind projecting imaginary images of the day's events onto it. Omi not being at school. Coming home to a unusually noiseless - not to mention closed - store. Ran's pale face. The awkwardness of the conversation they'd had at the bottom of the stairs.

Aya-Chan glanced at the clock, and was surprised to see that only a few minutes had passed since she'd walled herself in her room. Perhaps... well, perhaps the others hadn't left yet. And maybe she'd get another chance at a conversation - a real conversation - with Ran.

The first thing the young girl noticed as she stepped out of her room was the silence. It was a silence she wasn't quite used to; at least, not on a Tuesday night. She hastily pushed aside the suspicions and doubts that automatically entered her thoughts. Not now. Not when she'd already made up her mind to have a nice talk - and perhaps dinner - with the others.

Aya-Chan quickened her steps down the hall, reaching Ran's door with record speed. Raised her hand. Knocked.

There was no turning back now.

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[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran sat perched on the edge of his bed. His mission gear was set out behind him on the sheets - gloves, coat, the same dark clothes he wore underneath for every mission. His kitana lay in his lap, unsheathed as he inspected the blade. Nevermind that he checked it over daily, even in the duration of their break.

The knock came at his door, and he looked up in surprise. Yohji, to discuss strategy? Unlikely.

Omi, then. Ran sheathed the blade and placed it where he had been sitting.

He cracked the door, and his face lost whatever color it had held.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan's cheery smile faded a little at the look on Ran's face. This was the first time she'd seen him in the garb that he had on, and something seemed 'un-Ranlike' about it. Her first instinct was to glance past him, but found that she couldn't really see anything. That nagging suspicion was back again, and Aya-Chan tried the best she could to push it aside.

"May I come in?" The self-invitation sounded somewhat rude, but she couldn't find any other words to express her confusion. "I just... wanted to apologize. For the conversation a few minutes ago. And I was wondering if I could talk to you before you left?"

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran gripped the edge of the doorway, stymied. If he opened it to come out, it would be wide enough for her to see the gear on his bed. The katana. Not that there wasn't a chance she wouldn't look...but to even take it...to let her inside was out of the question.

He loosened his fingers, and looked at his sister. He loved her so much. A small part of him still didn't believe what he saw, despite his assuredness before that she would wake, that he would win his revenge, that he could make things right. His confidence was fading in the light of what he had to lose, again.

"There's nothing for you to apologize for, Aya." He said softly.

His mouth was an unhappy line. He didn't know how much she could see already through the slit of the door, and he was sure he was not hiding his uncertainty well. When had he ever denied her?

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

"Well I..." Aya-Chan trailed off at the unhappy look on Ran's face. She opened her mouth to start again, "I..." but found that she couldn't, faced with that look. It took all her power not to back away.

But then, another part of her thoughts awoke. He was hiding something. She could feel it. The tight grip on the door, the surprise. And she'd come to apologize, had she not? He'd said himself that there was nothing to apologize for.

So why was Ran so unhappy to see her? Aya-Chan's first instinct was to glance behind him again, hoping to see some sort of answer. She caught a glimpse of something familiar near the center of the room, and she forgot everything else as her mind tried to grasp onto an idea as to what the object could possibly be. "What...?"

Almost automatically, Aya-Chan took a step backwards. She was prying; something she'd promised herself she would never do. She trusted Ran, and she still does. And part of her was still certain that whatever this secret was, he would tell her. But there seemed to be a newly developed part of her now that was doubting everything.

Conflicted, Aya-Chan could only stand in the middle of the hall, casting a confused stare onto the man before her.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran saw the flick of her eyes behind him. How they widened. It was all too clear what made her back away from him.

It was just a hobby. A sport. Hadn't she ever seen him practicing? The lies sounded flat. Aya knew him. He would have told her about his katana if he practiced with it for fun.

So he could lie, and push her farther away, or...

Ran's amethyst eyes widened in response, turning glassy as he tried to hide the emotions that surfaced.

He would lose her.

Would she understand? Would she understand that what he'd done, he'd done in the name of justice? That all the killing had a purpose, that the ones he dispatched did not deserve anything but death?

He should have sent her away. He had told himself that he would give this up when she woke, that they would lead normal lives. That Aya would never know what he had done in her absence.

There were a thousand better ways to tell her. Not the night of the mission, for one. Not when she could purposefully stay up, and see him come home splattered with someone else's blood...not when there was no one to leave behind to watch her. Not when he would leave tonight not knowing if she had decided not to live with a group of killers while he wasn't around to stop her.

Aya looked as if she were ready to flee from him already. If he opened the door to come out, she would see for certain. He couldn't shut it on her.

He watched his younger sister, and imagined losing her again. He watched her with even eyes, though the fear could be seen just beneath the surface.

His fingers clenched on the door, then he pushed it firmly open.

"Aya," Ran said finally, his voice gravelly, "Come in, and we'll talk."

He felt the foundation of his life crumbling, and slipping through his fingers like sand.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

This wasn't really the way she wanted to find out, and some portion of her brain was still telling her that it wasn't her place to demand. But it was being beaten down by new thoughts that had emerged; curiosity had gotten the better of her.

The door opened, and she was face-to-face with the object which she had caught a glimpse of before. But somehow, her mind still wasn't processing it. Aya-Chan couldn't help but stare blankly at the katana before her.

Almost immediately, her mind began to fill with questions. Why? How? For what purpose? But she swallowed them back. Her eyes flicked from the katana to Ran's face, attempting to catch his gaze. And perhaps trying to convey some sort of message to him: trust.

Whatever this was, there must be a valid reason.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Aya was still there. He observed her as her gaze went from him to his weapon and back again.

He opened his mouth.

Nothing came out. He went and picked up the katana, set it to one side and sat down on his bed. He stared at it, then looked up at her, waiting for her to come in.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

She didn't remember walking, but before she knew it, Aya-Chan found herself standing inside Ran's room. It was exactly the same room as always, but she found herself feeling like a complete stranger inside. Almost as if she didn't really belong.

She stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, making a conscious effort to stare at the side of the bed, unable to meet his gaze.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran got up again and shut the door, not wanting one of the others to come by before he'd had a chance to explain.

"Aya," he said, coming to stand in front of her. He scanned her face, trying to see her reaction. The two of them were sometimes more similar than he realized. "Do you trust me?"

It was the only thing he could think of to say.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Did she trust him? Amidst the doubt and confusion, the answer to that question rang out. Yes. She nodded, unable to formulate any words. Yes. If nothing else, she knew that. And it calmed her a little.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran remained tense. He would have appeared more grateful had he not been so certain he was about to break that trust.

"Aya..."

You don't know who I really am.

You don't want to...

"I have tried to do what's right, Aya." Ran said finally. "I believe that I have done what's right."

He looked down at his coat and sword on the bed. They were almost as familiar as the girl across from him.

"Aya," He continued, watching her face, willing her to understand, "Our parents were killed by an evil man. Takatori." He spat the word, a spark flashing momentarily in his eyes. "He...hit you with that car. It was no accident. He took your life from you!" He clenched his fists. There would always be that feeling that he had still not done enough. That there was someone who still deserved his revenge for decimating their lives.

He didn't wait for her to process that. He couldn't. If he stopped, he would let her run from him.

"I killed him, Aya!" His eyes flashed with pride, though it was tempered by the realizations that had come since then. The knowledge that it still wasn't over, and never would be. He searched her face. "He hurt more people that just us. Now he can't hurt anyone else."

That revenge was not his darkest secret. His frame was shaking imperceptably. He felt as though he had just emerged from the ocean. He thought at the time he had been baptized by those waters, his sins rinsed clean as he walked forward into a new life. But here he stood before the true judgment, and Aya's clear, innocent eyes.

"I've done what I had to do to protect you, Aya. I..." He watched her, trying to hold onto how she had looked at him when she'd said "I trust you." "There are many more bad people in the world than just Takatori." Memories of his life, the nights he reviewed only when he thought he needed to learn from them, when he thought his own suffering was necessary for his growth, were flooding his mind. "None of them get justice by the law. None of them!"

He went to the bed and reached his hand down, touching the sheath of his katana gently. "There's an organization that believes those people still need to be brought to justice, and in protecting the innocent when the law can't or won't help. They offered to take care of you, Aya. Give you medical care. They gave me a way to stop the man that killed our parents and others like him."

He looked up finally, and faced her.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan's mind reeled with information. Parents killed. Evil Man. Not an accident. Killed him.

I killed him...

Almost as if pulled by some force, her eyes settled onto the katana. There must be something she was missing. Some piece of information she wasn't told. Because it couldn't... it just couldn't be the way her mind was processing the information.

Ran. Their parents. Omi-Kun. Ken-Kun. Yohji-San.

Something finally clicked in her mind; a touch of insanity, perhaps. "Then..." her mouth felt dry, and it was almost as if she was an outsider to her body, observing the conversation from a corner of the room. "...tonight...?" She stared up at Ran, begging him to contradict what little she'd finally come to understand.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

The way she was looking at him!

Ran forced himself to maintain eye contact. Trust me.

Another girl in a stadium, who looked so much like his sister, the horror he'd seen on her face...

But...there had been acceptance... Sakura had shown him compassion. She had understood. Had offered her help, and her sacrifices...

It was too much to hope for. And Ran did not want Aya to touch this part of his life as closely as Sakura had been willing to.

He did not want to answer the question he had been asked. "That organization...has asked for our help tonight." The "our" was unthinking, natural. He was Weiss in this life, and Weiss was a team.

He stood by his choices. He did not regret what he'd done. Aya was here. She was alive and awake. He'd succeeded in that, at least.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Our. It bugged her that she wasn't more surprised at this new piece of information. Then again, with the amount she'd learned tonight, Aya-Chan wasn't sure surprise would ever be possible.

She wasn't sure what to say, or how to react. She just stood in place, staring blankly at the man before her. He looked older. She'd thought there was something different about him when she first awoke. But she never thought that difference could be so... dramatic.

The old Ran would never do something like this. Her first thought was that this man couldn't possibly be the Fujimiya Ran that she knew, but an impostor. But something inside of her took pity on him. What would she have done, she asked her self, if she had been in his situation? Parents dead, brother gone... She'd have gone insane.

But surely, she wouldn't have committed murder... not one murder, but countless.

And he's going out again. Tonight.

Aya-Chan took an involuntary step back. "Why...?" It was all she could manage to make out.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran recoiled with the shock, registering the look of horror on her face.

What else should he have done? Lied to her as long as he could?

He had sworn to protect her. Didn't that mean from himself as well?

This admission was only for you, A voice whispered harshly.

"Aya...these people, our targets...they have committed atrocities." His eyes pleaded for her understanding. What must she see in him now? "We've killed people who were walking free after they murdered or experimented on children,innocents...killed parents like ours."

He closed his eyes and saw the monsters Takatori wrought.

And what he had done to Omi...his own child. Ken, Yohji. They had all been affected by this family.

"They don't deserve to live, Aya. But they will without us. And they'll keep killing, and lying, and tormenting innocent people for their own gain!"

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

"But..." tears were forming in Aya-Chan's eyes now. She wanted so badly to understand the situation, but she just couldn't. "But... but there must be another way." There had to be.

She tried to view the situation again in his perspective, trying and hoping that she could somehow grasp any - even if it was a little - of his reasoning. Parents dead. Sibling lifeless. She felt a mixture of emotions: helplessness, anger, insanity... anger.

She didn't know this Takatori person, but if he wasn't dead, a part of her would've wanted to kill him as well. Taking her parents from her. Taking two years of her life from her. Turning her beloved brother into...

But still. That was still just a part of her. She wasn't sure she'd ever become capable of acting on those feelings. Aya-Chan found herself staring down at her own hands. Wondering what kinds of emotions she would feel if they were covered in blood. She was shuddering now.

How it must feel. She couldn't imagine it. Did he enjoy it? Fear it...? Does it haunt him?

Thoughts were racing through her mind, completely jumbled and incoherent. But she couldn't keep her eyes off her own hands. Couldn't stop herself from imagining them bloodstained. She vaguely registered the tears that were now coursing down her cheeks.

It must be horrible...

She took a step forward. And then another. And before she knew it, she was hugging him. Crying, and not sure what to think or how to feel.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran stumbled backward, but his arms went around her and held on.

His eyes were wide and unseeing, staring over her shoulder to a blank white wall.

The horror on her face..."there must be another way!"

There wasn't.

The way she had looked at him just then, there had been such sorrow in her eyes...

He gripped her, and bent his head into her hair. The moisture in his eyes refused to fall.

But despite it all...she was hugging him.

He struggled to understand. Was it because she had no one else? Because she was afraid to do otherwise? The expression on her face haunted him. It was if she was looking at a stranger.

Wasn't she? "Please..." His voice broke. It sounded desperate even to him.

He didn't know what to ask. Perhaps for some assurance that she would still be there when he returned.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

The sound of his voice pulled Aya-Chan out of her dissociation. This was Ran. It was the same Ran as always. Perhaps she didn't understand his reason for this, but there had to be one. Her arms tightened around him.

He must know what he was doing. And there must be some sort of reasoning behind this that she couldn't see. This was Ran, not some stranger.

Still, the image of bloodstained hands refused to leave her thoughts. She wasn't sure what to say to him; how to reply to his plea. How to make him see that she wanted to understand, and that she loved him.

Her mind was on auto-pilot now. It was a stupid habit, really; one she'd always wanted to get rid of. "Do you..." she buried her face into Ran's shirt, muffling her words a little. "... have time to stay for dinner?" Those weren't the words she'd been looking for, and she felt frustration washing over her.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran tightened his arms over her, as if to imprint how it felt in his mind, before stepping back enough to examine her face. It was tearstained and bewildered.

Frustration. Frustration with himself, with this life...that she couldn't have what she deserved. Normalcy. A brother she didn't have to rationalize or doubt. Parents. Two years of her life.

He almost didn't recognize her question.

He looked at the clock. One hour until they left. It would take a half hour to prepare himself. He'd wanted to do more than that, practice with his blade.

He looked back to her uncertain expression. "I have a half hour..." he replied finally. "It's all I can spare. But I promise, tomorrow...you can have all day, Aya. I'll write you a note for school."

It wasn't enough. The whole exchange felt like his nightmare. He didn't believe her attempt at normalcy, or at acceptance.

His hands rested on her arms gently, searching for reassurance in her eyes. At least some promise that she would still be there to work at this when he returned.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan sniffed, and reached up to wipe her face. She couldn't formulate words right now, or coherent thoughts for that matter. She nodded, the thought of school not even crossing her mind. An entire day. A day to talk with Ran, and try to understand.

Because all she really wanted was to understand... For the first time that night, she gave a sliver of a smile.

"I could... still prepare something small." She didn't really want to accept that he'd be gone soon. Didn't really want to stay alone in the house and let his imagination wander. "And you... everyone... could eat a little something before..." she didn't want to say it, "... leaving."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes widened yet again, surprise and gratitude warring in them. "You don't have to do that," His voice was low. "It's enough..." He cleared his throat. "Aya." He reached up, touched her hair gently. "Just-be here when I get back." His voice still held a trace of his fears, though he fought to keep it steady and assuring.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan swallowed. Nodded. "I'll be here." She reached out for his hand as it brushed her hair. Held his hand in hers. "I'll always be here."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran nodded, shakily. It was more than he ever hoped.

She hadn't run.

He dropped his hands to his sides. There wasn't enough time for him to start the conversation he knew they had to have. "Do you want me to come down with you?" He asked, after a sideways glance at the bed. He was unwilling to don his full mission gear in front of her, even now.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

She noticed his glance at the bed and shook her head. "No..." a part of her wanted to scream at him to stay and not go, but she knew that wasn't possible. She headed for the door and then paused.

"You'll be careful, won't you...?" She was afraid to turn around and look at him when she asked the question. You'll come back, right?

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"Yes." Ran stated, firmly. He would have added how easy he felt this mission was compared to the others they'd had, but he knew that would only alienate Aya more. He didn't want her thinking about the other things he'd done.

"Aya - we'll talk tomorrow?"

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

She was afraid of the firmness in his voice. Afraid that, if she opened her mouth now, her questions and concerns would all come pouring out. So, she simply nodded. She opened the door; the eerie hallway that had made her suspicious on here way here was now haunting her.

[Aya-Chan exits]

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran let out his breath after she was gone, shuddering.

What had he done?

He should have gone after her, but it would only make things worse. He needed to give her space to adjust to him.

He passed his hand through his hair, the blood-colored locks slipping through his fingers.

She hadn't...she was trying to accept him. The realization was almost more than he could comprehend.

But what had he done?

He had known that he couldn't keep his choices from bleeding over into her life, not when they were so closely tied to her recovery and both of their well-being. He couldn't regret it. He had done what he'd had to, and the dark beasts he'd killed deserved their fate.

Nevertheless, he couldn't block out the look he'd seen in her eyes. How they'd widened, filled with tears, filled with fear, filled with...

Ran grabbed the coat off his bed and pulled it over his shoulders, durable fabric molding to his frame. He began fastening the buckles, tight so the fabric wouldn't interfere with his movement. When he was done, he lifted his katana and headed to the roof, locking his door behind him.

He needed to clear his mind before he did what he had to do.