Wednesday 1.3 - Broken

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji continued to stare up at the ceiling after Ken and Ran had exited.

They'd left the lights on. He couldn't switch them off. But it didn't matter; he was too exhausted for it to make a difference. Come to think of it, he probably preferred them on. Being alone in the dark with his thoughts wasn't a very appealing proposition just now.

His thoughts were a jumbled mess. Just how much of all of this was his fault? Quite a bit. Ken was at fault too, but Yohji didn't blame him much. He'd been the catalyst for his own disasters.

Earlier Ran had been afraid that if Yohji lost consciousness again he wouldn't wake up. Was that still a danger? Was he risking his life by closing his eyes? He was having a hard time finding it within himself to care.

The funny thing was, Ran seemed to care.

This is what kept him from falling asleep.

None of the other man's behavior had been what he'd expected tonight. He was confused. Beyond confused. It didn't even make sense that Yohji was still alive, let alone that Ran had gone to such lengths to be the one to maintain that. He was far too calm about Aya-chan having seen his injuries. He wasn't nearly mad enough at Yohji. And yet...he had been mad. It just surfaced at all the wrong times, in the moments that had hardly seemed worth it. He was nothing but a tangled skein of mixed messages and Yohji was too weak to even attempt to make sense of them.

As for Ken.... Yohji was definitely too drained to even think about Ken just yet. He'd already known that something was very wrong. He hoped that what he'd seen tonight was the worst of it.

He'd almost drifted off when the creak of door hinges startled him awake again.

Comments

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran slipped inside the room. There wasn't any noise from the bed.

He hovered by the doorway.

Perhaps he should have gone to talk to his sister, but they couldn't leave Yohji alone, and Ken was not the person to watch him.

Should they call Kritiker about this?

He supposed they should. He usually preferred to handle matters like this internally, as best they could. He had never quite trusted Kritiker to take care of their own.

Mamoru Takatori was a shining example of that.

He stared at the bed. There wasn't any movement.

The prospect of losing Yohji had scared him.

He skirted back from that thought. It was a possible inevitability, if there was such a thing. Either Yohji, or him, or both.

Yohji was looking for something in him he didn't have to give. He had no future to offer.

But would he offer it, if he had?

Ran turned off the light with a flick of his wrist, and began picking his way across Yohji's floor to the chair.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

While waiting for Omi to finish his bath, Aya-Chan decided to stop by Ran's room. She wasn't sure she was quite ready to have a full conversation with Ran yet, but she felt that it was best to stop by and apologize for her outburst before.

She knocked, and when she didn't hear a response, peered inside. Empty. Looking around the hall, she decided that the next best place to look would be Yohji's room. The door to Yohji's room was slightly open, just enough for her to take a look inside. It was dark, but she could make out a lump on the bed which she assumed was Yohji and a figure in a chair nearby, probably Ran.

Anxiety suddenly got the best of her, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go inside. What would she say? Was Yohji sleeping? What if she disturbed him? What if Ran didn't want to see her...? She opted for standing outside the door for a while, silently observing. She was sure that if they were awake, they'd notice her shadow through the crack of the door, but even then, at least she'd have a little time to think of what to say.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran was lurking.

Yohji was glad when the lights went out because it gave him more leeway to observe Ran’s actions without betraying the fact that he wasn’t asleep. Ran was pulling up a chair. He was staying? Why? Yohji was all fixed up, and didn't seem to actually be in any danger now. Unless he was seriously misevaluating his own state. Was Ran only staying because he thought Yohji didn’t know he was there? Would he leave if Yohji were awake?

Yohji supposed he ought to give Ran that option.

“Christ, I must actually be dying, if you’re hanging around,” he sighed.

How long until he left?

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran started at the sound of Yohji's voice in the darkness.

In the shadows, he allowed himself to close his eyes. He took in a soft breath. Yohji's words were just as sharp and well-aimed as always.

"Someone needs to monitor you tonight. Ken was out of the question." He said flatly.

How many times had they saved each other, and Yohji still questioned whether he cared if he died?

But Ken had said as much the other day, and his sister had turned to Omi tonight, instead of him.

That hadn't been what he'd meant.

He opened his eyes, though the room was still in darkness.

"I care if you die, Yohji," he said, carefully. "I care if you get hurt. We're Weiss, we're a team. We're friends. But what are you looking for from me? There's no future for people like us. I don't have anything to offer you."

Ran turned his head away, though he knew Yohji couldn't see him. "Not that you can't find somewhere else."

And damn Yohji, for making him acknowledge something easier denied, than admitted into existence.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Damn. Yohji had wanted so badly for Ran to finally acknowledge the things he’d said earlier. He wanted Ran to talk to him. It figured Ran would wait until Yohji was at his weakest and most vulnerable state to finally concede. Yohji wasn’t even sure he could handle this right now.

We're friends.

The words sounded foreign coming from Ran. Sure Yohji had considered them friends. Well, at least he’d humored the idea that they might be. Someday, maybe. But Ran had certainly never used that word before, and he’d hardly treated him as such. Not in the way real friends ought to. Yohji supposed that they had rather different interpretations of the word. But then, by his own standards, Yohji didn’t really have any friends. He doubted Ran did either.

It was easier to focus on the less important parts of what Ran had said.

He turned to face Ran, even though his eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dark enough to actually see him.

“I don’t expect to have a future,” Yohji partially skirted the question, he wasn’t at the top of his game, he couldn’t think of the right words to answer Ran’s question, “and I’m not looking for anything I can find somewhere else.” That didn’t sound right at all, it made Ran sound like a leftover. He wished Ran were asking him when he wasn’t so tired and confused.

“What makes you think I need something offered?” He countered.

[7bladed.livejournal.com]

Aya-Chan stared into the room for a moment, silently digesting the conversation occurring inside. She suddenly felt guilty for listening in on a conversation that wasn't for her to listen to. Silently, she slipped away and headed towards her room. That talk with Ran will wait til the morning.

[Aya-Chan exits]

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran bent in his chair, elbows on his knees with his arms resting between his legs, head touching his clasped hands.

"I don't expect to have a future."

It sounded differently coming from Yohji. It still had the ring of truthfulness, but the tone was off.

“What makes you think I need something offered?”

"Don't you?" Ran countered finally.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji sighed. This was what he wanted wasn't it? Ran actually listening to him? It was stupid that he'd thought that once he'd revealed he was awake, Ran would be content to banter. Ran was here to watch him. If Yohji forced him to talk he'd obviously cut right to the chase and deal with...well, Yohji suspected Ran viewed this as a problem. Yohji's current health was a problem, and now Ran would have the chance to take care of both that and his emotional issues in one fell swoop. Everything would be nice and tidy by morning.

It might be a good thing that they were talking about this now. Yohji might have been inclined to say something really stupid if he'd actually felt together.

"I...." where to start? He'd already told Ran an awful lot. What was left? As far as Yohji was concerned it was Ran's turn to be talking.

Ran had already said everything he seemed to have to say though. He didn't seem to feel like he was qualified to even consider allowing himself to get attached. To anyone. Now that Yohji was looking more closely, he had begun to notice that even Aya-chan was getting shut out.

"Yeah," he finally said, "I guess I do." It'd been a stupid question, Yohji had just been grasping at straws to get Ran to do the talking.

"When I go out and pick up girls," maybe not the best way to open, but it was too late to re-phrase now, "it's fun and all. It's like I can escape everything. You know...." what we do, "but it's like they're speaking an entirely different language. It's fun, but completely exhausting."

He paused and thought about some of his more recent aquaintences. Some of them had been cute. Others were quite funny. Many of them were exactly the type of people his younger self had pictured him settling down with. But when he tried to picture actually bringing them home, he couldn't. The thought of any of them actually here, in this room felt nothing short of alien. How were they so enchanting, but only in bars and hotel rooms?

"I'm tired of feeling like I'm acting twenty-four seven." That was certainly the truth, no need to carefully shape his words. "When you're around I feel understood. Even if you're being a total asshole to me at least I feel like I'm me. And it's been so long since I felt that way I'd almost forgotten."

"That's more than anyone else has been able to offer me..." he was going to say 'since' but realized he wasn't sure since when. Since Asuka, but he didn't want to say her name just now.

Ran could interpret that however he wanted.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Yohji's tired voice finally trailed off.

Ran cradled his forehead in his hands.

His life was fracturing, and it had happened in a matter of days. Schwartz accosting his sister in the grocery store, Ken falling apart piece by piece. Aya-chan finding out about Weiss - and seemingly rejecting him. As far as he could tell, that was all it had taken for her to dismiss him from his life. She trusted the others in the koneko, people she had known for a matter of months, as much as she did her own brother. She hadn't looked to him when they'd returned, had she? She'd pushed him away.

Perhaps it was just as well.

And now Yohji, trying to pull to the surface emotions that had been latent, and raising possibilities that were better for them both if they were left unexplored. When bandages covered gashes made by his own teammate, he was taking time to try and convince Ran that there was something more to him than who he was as Weiss.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

The silence was hardly surprising. Ran hadn't been willing to talk about it when Yohji had first come clean, why would he expect things to be different in only a matter of hours? Because a couple of hours ago I wasn't lying helplessly with my chest ripped open. But that was fine, because the very last thing Yohji wanted was Ran treating him differently out of pity. At least this time there was no 'get out.' Not that he could.

Ran's ability to reach out had apparently been expended in those first few sentences. Yohji supposed he was meant to be grateful for them.

He matched Ran's silence for a while, wondering just how effectively he was being 'monitored' in the dark, and if it was even actually necessary. Probably not. Yohji suspected that Ran simply needed to feel repsonsible for something, with Aya-chan otherwise engaged.

"You put a lot of emphasis on our lack of futures," he quietly broke the lull, "so I don't really understand why you care what happens to me. You know something will, sooner or later."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran looked up.

"Sooner or later, something will happen to every one of us," Ran agreed.

He stared into the darkness.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

That wasn't an answer to his question. But Yohji was too tired to force one out of him, so he changed the topic.

He wondered why he was even bothering, he really ought to be sleeping. But he wasn't willing to let go of an opportunity that wasn't likely to resurface. Ran was spending the night in his room. Ha.

"You don't have to answer," that was like a big red flag, he'd probably just guaranteed that Ran wouldn't even listen, "but I'd like to know what you where thinking when the tower collapsed?"

He noticed his voice had an unusually nervous edge to it. "You know, just for conversation's sake...."

He felt like an idiot.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran blinked at the change in topic. It was non-sequitor, but he welcomed it with some relief. If Yohji only want to talk, it was more comfortable ground.

So perhaps that will be the last of it, he considered.

It was for the best.

Yohji could have chosen something more pleasant, even still, than the last time they all almost died.

"Before hitting the water," Ran said softly. "I was thinking that at least she was safe."

But there had been other thoughts, as well.

That there wouldn't be any more waiting.

He'd been wrong. He'd survived.

"-I hoped the rest of you would make it."

It was true, though at the time, that thought hadn't held much hope.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji smiled grimly. "That was nice of you."

He waited a moment, not wanting Ran to think he was dismissing his answer. It had been just about what he had expected Ran to say, albeit slightly more generous.

"I wasn't thinking like that at all," he admitted. Well, he supposed the others' safety had crossed his mind. But the situation had felt so futile, it'd seemed like wasted thoughts. "I was mostly relieved."

"All I could think about was Asuka," he continued. "I mean, it's not like I believe in anything....I certainly don't think I'm going anywhere...." this was sounding stupid, "but in that moment, I really felt like I was going to see her again, and I felt relieved."

He looked down at the dark shadow of where his bandages stretched across him. "I wasn't thinking about Asuka tonight." His voice was lower with this admission. "Not when it counted."

"It freaks me out a little."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's hackles rose at Yohji's quip, but he kept talking.

"I wasn't thinking about Asuka tonight."

Ran tried to decipher what Yohji meant by that. He'd said it almost like a confession.

"Then what?" Ran asked finally.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji peered at Ran in the darkness. His eyes were adjusted now, although it was still difficult to make out the other man's face.

Ran certainly was resistant to hints.

"You know what," Yohji sighed. "She's getting eclipsed by someone who doesn't want me. And now I'm stuck being alive and I just don't really see a point to it. I guess I'm trying to apologize for not seeming grateful."

Had he not been injured, this would have been Ran's window to punch Yohji, or at the very least storm out of the room. Well, he supposed Ran still might storm out of the room.

"I meant to say thanks."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran narrowed his eyes.

It was bullshit. If Yohji didn't hold out some persistent hope for himself, then why bother trying?

"If you're looking to blame me for your life..." he hissed, "I don't have any meaning to give you."

He stood up. Yohji seemed intent on not resting, and well enough that Ran wasn't worried for his health as it was. He had no reason to put himself through this.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Blame?" Yohji almost laughed. "I don't blame anyone but myself."

He was seized with the urge to grab Ran and stop him from walking out. To say something as lame and predicatable as don't go.

No, if Ran wanted to leave Yohji wasn't going to stop him. But neither was he going to shut up.

"You don't Listen to people, you know?" he said exasperatedly, "that was my fucking attempt at a love confession, you asshole. You only hear what you expect people to say."

Ran was completely still and not giving him any feedback whatsoever.

"I'm not sure why I didn't die tonight, but it will probably just catch up with me on the next mission. Or maybe it will be in a year, who knows."

He took a deep breath, his irritation quickly spending itself. It's not like Ran was reacting any differently than he'd expected. "Asuka left me with a lot of unfinished business," he added, "I just don't like leaving things unsaid. That's all that was about. I guess I could have said it better, but I'm kind of out of practice with being sincere."

"You don't have to say anything to that, you just ought to know. And I meant the thanks for saving me tonight, though god knows why."

He shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch Ran leave.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"...that was my fucking attempt at a love confession, you asshole."

His automatic response to that joke was stopped short at Yohji's next words.

He looked down. He was still in his mission gear, black pants and short-sleeved turtleneck still crusted in places with Yohji's blood. All of it that wasn't Yohji's had been shed with his coat. His pale hands and forearms, he realized, were shaking subtly from stress.

"And I meant the thanks for saving me tonight, though god knows why."

He looked back toward the bed. From above, he could see the outline of Yohji's features. He had his eyes closed.

"You've lost a lot of blood tonight, Yohji." Ran said softly. "You should rest."

His fingertips ghosted on the door, but he didn't leave, eyes still on Yohji's face.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji listened to Ran's retreating footsteps, and was surprised when the sound of the door failed to follow them. He wanted to look, but felt he had already put too much focus on Ran. Staring would only hasten his exit.

"We've had a lot of practice losing blood," he mumbled, "you know I'll be fine."

Yohji shifted so that he was lying in position more conducive to falling asleep. "You should rest too though," he added, "it's been a helluva night."

He tried to squash out his mind's attempts to add you could rest here.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"I need to find Aya-chan," Ran said wearily, but it was more of an excuse than what he planned to do. Aya would most likely be in bed, and if she wasn't, she should be.

He opened and shut the door quietly.

[Ran exits]