Wednesday 1.12

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

[Okay, so here's my first post. Hope this is alright. ^-^]

Omi had decided to take the long way home; it gave him time to try and clear his head. By the time he actually made it home he realized the ride had done him little to no good. So much had happened recently it was getting hard for Omi to keep it all strait in his head.

But I will work this out. He thought to himself. He would deal with everything one thing at a time. After I get some aspirin he parked his bike and headed inside lifting his bag up on his shoulder. It was a little heavier then normal due to the fact that he had a lot of homework.

“There really is something unfair about having to deal with normal problems on top of everything else.” He mumbled to himself. Kicking off his shoes he decided to head to his room first and deposit his bag there before seeing how Yohji was doing.

Comments

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji's ego had prevented him from stopping Ken as he distractedly left the mission room, and pointing out that he hadn't come down the stairs unassisted, and wasn't entirely sure he'd manage to get back up them by himself.

It took him about four times longer than it ought have, but manage he did. Every jarring footstep sent a new jab into his chest and made him dizzy with nauseau. And he still felt so weak. The novelty of being an 'invalid' was rapidly wearing off. Especially without Ran around to whine at and flaunt his neediness to. Not that he'd admit that to anyone but himself. Hopefully things would start to turn around in the next few days.

He dropped onto his bed and picked up a magazine from the floor. He'd already read it, and hadn't even found it interesting the first time round; he just didn't know what else to do with himself at the moment. He read the same sentence about six times before the sound of a knock on his door snapped him out of it.

"Uh, come in?"

He wasn't so unrealistically optimistic as to allow himself to hope that was Ran. Had Ken forgotten to tell him something?

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi slowly opened the door and looked in. He gave Yohji a smile. "Hi Yohji-kun." He came fully into the room and made his way over to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Glancing at where Yohji had been wounded. "Anou...sorry I didn't come in to see how you were doing sooner. Every thing's just been so...so crazy."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

The magazine quickly returned to the floor, as Yohji sat up a little straighter, surprised to be facing Omi so soon after talking to Ken. Probably a good thing. Better to hear Omi's side of the story before you let yourself get too righteously pissed off. Not that I actually have a right to be involved anyway. But....

He quirked an eyebrow at Omi's word choice. "Yeah," he smirked, "I'd say you nailed it with 'crazy'."

He stretched out again, and made of show of unconcernedly glancing at his bandages. "Eh," Yohji shrugged, "I've been worse. Unless you're offering to give all my chores to Ken, in which case, I think I might just be on my deathbed."

He watched Omi carefully, wondering if his expression would change at drop of Ken's name.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi sat down in the chair next to Yohji’s bed as he watched him set the magazine back on the floor. His smile faltered a bit at the mention of Ken, but he covered it up quickly.

“I wouldn’t do that to Ken-kun. Anou…now that I think about it I haven’t seen him since last night either…” Omi let out a long sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t remember life ever being this complicated…” He said softly as if he were talking to himself.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji watched with interest as an undefined emotion flickered across Omi's face. The critical feelings he'd haphazardly developed while listening to Ken's saga were already fading in the boy's presence, accelerated by the not quite expected words "I wouldn't do that to Ken-kun."

"Something you wanna talk about?" He kept his voice low and his face sympathetic, hoping that his intense desire to pry wasn't showing through too clearly. He was concerned, after all.

"I've been around the block enough times to have picked up a fair share of advice, ya know," he added encouragingly.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

There's a LOT of things I'd like to talk about. Omi thought as leaning back in the chair biting his lower lip. Omi was sure that Yohji had his fair share of advice. Omi lowered his eyes staring at his hands folded on his lap.

“I made a mistake, and I don’t know how to fix it.” Omi said not looking at Yohji. He wasn’t even sure how to explain what his mistake had been without letting things slip that Omi had no intention of ever telling anyone.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ouch, Ken. Yohji fortunately managed to keep himself from wincing at the word 'mistake.'

"Well," Yohji pulled himself to the edge of the bed, so that he was closer to Omi, "there aren't too many mistakes that can't be fixed. Except for those where someone ends up dead." He gave Omi a meaningful look. "And I hate to remind you, but that's something we ought to know better than most people."

He leaned forward and slung his arm around Omi's shoulder, despite it being awkward with the gap between the chair. "Wanna give me a clue so I might help you work it out?"

He was definitely not winning any awards for subtlety tonight....

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

"Maybe not so much of a mistake. It's the only way I can explain it..." Omi put a hand on his head trying to collect his thoughts so that they would make sense. He blinked when Yohji put an arm around his shoulder, looking at the older blond he sighed lowering his head again.

“I did something with Ken-kun that…I don’t think I should have…” Omi felt a light blush spread across his cheeks as he realized there was no way he’d be able to talk about this without telling Yohji exactly what he was talking about. Omi took a deep breath, he could feel his hands clenching on his lap. Why am I so nervous about this? He thought, but he ignored it, letting his breath out slowly, but keeping his eyes averted from Yohji’s.

“Me and Ken-kun…anou…we had sex.” Omi said his face turning redder as the talked. “I did it because…Ken-kun said he loved me, I care about him a lot, he’s my best friend…but I don’t know if I love him. That’s why I said it was a mistake. I…I thought…I thought it would be the right thing to do at the time. If he was already my best friend, it shouldn’t be too hard for me to love him…” It just feels all wrong. Omi swallowed hard feeling like he had a lump in his throat. He’d managed to tell Yohji that much.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Well, THAT was blunt.

Even already being privy to this information thanks to Ken, it was still pretty bizarre to hear the words we had sex coming from his youngest teammate. It wasn't exactly a phrase he had planned on associating with Omi. Ever.

He found himself in an awkward position, all of the automatic responses occurring to him involved giving away the fact that he already knew about this tryst with Ken. Which he was quite certain would be a mistake to do.

"Ah, well," he hoped that his face was conveying some appropriate display of surprise, "I...uh...know it's not going to sound very sincere coming from me and all...but...you're right, it's never a good idea to sleep with someone when you're not sure how you feel about them."

Okay, so far he'd managed to state the obvious....

"It can get messy," he continued.

He stifled the urge to say the unthinkable 'which would be bad for the team.' Damn, his inner voice was starting to sound an awful lot like Ran....

When in doubt, use an anecdote. "I know you've seen me bring a lot of girls home, right? Well...I tried to love more than just a few of them, you know. I thought it would make...our job a little less meaningless, if you know what I mean." He took his arm back from Omi and leaned back on his elbows. "Life just doesn't work that way. You can't fall in love on purpose. It just gets the other person's hopes up and then they end up resenting you when it doesn't work out."

He hoped that wasn't the direction that Omi and Ken's relationship was actually about to take. It certainly seemed like they still had hope, but Omi needed the warning.

"I can certainly say from experience that it's easy to fall for your best friend though." He smiled, but it was laced with a twinge of pain. "It has a way of sneaking up on you without you noticing until it's too late to stop it."

Or too late to save them....

"Ken does love you though." He didn't care if that gave away that he knew more than he ought to, he wanted Omi to hear it. "I think...well, the best thing you can do is to focus on being best friends. Maybe it will turn into something more or maybe it won't. But I'm pretty certain that you've got a better chance of falling for him by being his friend than by messing around."

He was starting to feel like some kind of old man. This recent inclination to spout out reams of advice didn't entirely suit him, he decided. If he wasn't careful he was going to completely shatter his reputation. Whatever his reputation actually consisted of these days....

"You should start by talking to him about it," Yohji nodded.

He fell silent for a moment, but his curiosity got the better of him. "It sounds like you seem to see love as some sort of obligation that needs to be filled. How come?"

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi glanced at Yohji, pulling his feet up onto the chair so he could wrap his arms around his legs and rest his chin on his knees while he listened. Part of what Yohji said did make him feel better It’s easy to fall for your best friend. Omi was sure that part was true; he’d never experienced that himself, but it seemed to be a common thing.

But Yohji had also named one thing that Omi would admit he was scared of. That Ken would hate him for what he’d done.

“…talk to him…” Omi sighed repeating what Yohji had suggested. Even though Omi picked up on the fact that Yohji obviously had already KNOWN that Ken was in love with Omi. He didn’t question it. Omi too fell silent, his chin still resting on his knees as his brain processed everything that Yohji had said to him.

Omi’s knuckles turned white and he held his knees tighter. How was he supposed to answer THAT? Hiding his face in his knees trying to think how to explain that he really never learned what love was. Omi finally let his feet slide back to the floor and looked at Yohji. He wanted to smile, but Omi knew it would look too forced.

“It’s hard to figure out what love is when the earliest and clearest memory I have is learning how to kill people. And…I remember one of my teachers telling me once that he had to love his family, because they were his family. Weiss is the closest thing I’ve ever had to that.” Omi sighed turning his attention to the floor again. “…there’s more to it then that…but that’s the best I can explain it really…”

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

He should have already guessed. Being an assassin really has a tendency to fuck a person up, Yohji was never really able to fathom how Omi was able to keep himself together so well given the fact that he'd never known any other lifestyle. He'd always just assumed that it must actually be easier to lack memories of a normal life to compare it to. You can't miss what you've never known, right? Or some psychological crap like that.

Well the damage was there, and finally starting to surface.

"That makes a lot of sense," he nodded again.

It felt surprisingly good to hear Omi refer to Weiß as his family. He'd often come to feel that way himself, although his cynical nature kept insisting that he was being delusional. People like us don't deserve to have a family. There was Ran's voice again, infiltrating his train of thought. Whens the last time you heard someone say 'the family that kills together, stays together,' eh?

"Listen Omi," Yohji shoved aside his own personal issues and refocused his attention on the boy in front of him. "I think it's pretty amazing how well you've turned out against everything you've been up against. I don't think that I personally would have been able to cope."

Omi looked so dejected, the way he was staring at the floor. "It's not hard to see why Ken loves you, you know?"

He suspected Omi didn't know. "But I don't think you took away quite the right meaning from what your teacher said. The first thing you need to understand is that love and sex aren't the same thing, and they're definitely not equal. They're both great by themselves, and they compliment each other very nicely. But only when it's mutual. If the love is one-sided it's definitely a mistake."

Knowing that hasn't exactly stopped you from making it more than once, Yotan.

It seems like Omi and Ken both held the misconception that they could physically alter Omi's feelings....

"I think for starters," Yohji said cautiously, "we ought to determine if you're even capable of returning Ken's feelings. Do you..." he hesitated, Omi looked so miserable that he was reluctant to embarrass the boy further, "...do you actually like boys, or were you just trying to force yourself to for Ken's sake?"

'Cause I sort of noticed that you don't seem all that impartial to Aya-chan... his mind silently added.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi listened to Yohji in silence, never once lifting his head to look at the older blond. Because he knew if he did, it would be easier for Yohji to see how hard Omi was trying not to cry. There had only been a couple times Omi had let anyone in weiss see him brake down. And that had been due mostly to stress and the shock of certain situations.

“I never understood…” Omi started only to have the words get stuck in his throat. His knuckles were white with how hard he was clenching his fists. “…what’s so great about sex…it…” It was never that great before… He couldn’t finish what he’d been about to say. So instead he tried to focus on Yohji’s question, Do you actually like boys. A simple question, but Omi wasn’t even sure about that himself.

“…I don’t know…but I don’t know if I like girls either…” Even though he tried to drop what he’d started to say before, Omi felt like he was walking on thin ice and it was braking up beneath him. There was so much about him that no one knew. Omi had intended to keep it that way.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji’s eyes were rapidly widening into saucers.

That definitely sounded like….

Omi’s voice was wavering.

He’d known it was very assumptive of him to figure that Ken had been Omi’s first time. It was just that Omi and sex was a topic he’d previously avoided dwelling on.

It looked like now he was going to have to dwell on it.

“Hey, woah,” Yohji sat up again and nudged Omi’s chin so that the boy was forced to look him in the face. “It’s starting to sound to me like you have a much deeper problem than what happened with Ken.” He looked into eyes that were noticeably redder than they ought to have been, “Omi. Whatever it is, I think you need to talk about it.”

He was pretty sure he wasn’t going to like whatever it was Omi had to say. Assuming he’d keep talking.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi made a soft noise in the back of his throat when he felt Yohji lifting his chin. He stared back at him. Every nerve in his body itching to just run, but he knew that running wouldn’t do any good. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it when he wasn’t sure what he should say. There was no GOOD way to talk about it.

Slowly he leaned back in the chair, his posture tense as he chewed on his lower lip. “…I used to live with someone else…before I came to stay at the flower shop…I wasn’t there for long, it was a temporary thing until I could start being taught by people from Kritiker…temporary wound up being two years.” Omi’s voice cracked his vision blurring as tears welled up and rolled down his cheeks.

“he said it wouldn’t hurt. H-he said…he’d never hurt me because he loved me…” Omi leaned over fisting his hands in his hair. “he lied…it never stopped hurting…” And the ice was broken, and Omi found himself wishing he’d run when he’d had the chance.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji started to jolt to his feet before he realized that he had no idea to whom Omi was referring, nor where to find them. He stumbled, and quickly sat back down on the edge of the bed, hand automatically reaching towards a missing watch.

He was fuming.

It didn’t matter that Omi’s behavior had already started to tip him off to what the boy was about to say. Yohji hadn’t been ready to actually hear it.

“He’s dead.” Yohji said flatly. “Just give me the motherfucker’s name and he’ll be dead by tomorrow.” He meant it too, gravely injured or not.

He realized he needed to keep Omi talking, but he was too upset to stay articulate.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi forced himself to breath deep and slowly forcing himself to calm down. He made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob at what Yohji had said.

“That’s just it…he IS dead…that’s why I came to live here.” Omi wiped his eyes sitting a bit straighter. “Please don’t tell anyone Yohji-kun…I don’t even know why I told you…everything has just been so confusing lately. And it’s been one thing after another…I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what he was apologizing for. But it seemed like a good thing to say at the time. And even though he regretted it, Omi couldn’t help feel a little bit relived that someone knew. Even though he’d been brought up to be a killer, it was only what he did, not who he was.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji gritted his teeth. The urge to inflict homicide was still strong, and he was pretty sure that there was someone still alive that could be held accountable.

Accept. Omi was an assassin too. If he’d really felt like there was any point in revenge he would have taken care of it himself. Maybe.

Actually, he wasn’t entirely sure about that.

Anyway, the distantly rational side of Yohji’s mind was trying to staunch his anger enough so that he could focus on Omi in a way that might actually be helpful to the boy, and not make him regret telling him.

He yanked Omi off of his chair and pulled him into a somewhat cautious hug.

“I won’t tell anyone, Omittchi,” it was a difficult promise to make, “but I really think you ought to tell Ken about it yourself. Ken…well. I think Ken’s been going through a rough time, it might put some things…in perspective?”

Or it might send Ken completely over the edge…. Yohji suddenly doubted the prudence of his advice.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi yelped in surprise when Yohji pulled him off the chair. Omi close his eyes letting himself relax into Yohji’s hug for a few moments.

“Thank you.” He said softly. He did feel a little bad for asking Yohji to keep it to himself, but it also wasn’t Yohji’s secret to go and tell the others. Standing up straight Omi looked at Yohji. “…I’ll think about telling Ken-kun something…not that though. He has enough on his mind without me adding to it…” Omi wiped away the remaining signs of tears and managed to smile at Yohji.

Omi took a deep breath and let it out slowly calming the rest of his nerves. “You know….I never intended to really tell anyone. It was easier, act happy all the time.” Omi gave Yohji a surprisingly bright smile before it faded. “If you can make yourself smile, even after all bad things that have happened it makes everything a little more bearable.”

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji nodded. “Actually, I think you’re wise not to tell Ken about that.” After speaking, he recalled Ken’s account of losing his temper just in reaction to Omi lying about throwing something away. Ken was too unstable to cope with this; it was a little too easy for Yohji to imagine his friend going completely berserk. Besides, Omi needed some sort of normalization, not to be treated like a tragic victim by the person who cared the most about him. It would definitely be counterproductive.

“Sometimes I speak before thinking things through enough,” Yohji frowned a little, he didn't like verbalizing his new leeriness towards Ken, “and on second thought, I’m almost entirely certain that Ken finding out would lead to a fatality. And it wouldn’t necessarily be a deserving fatality either. He cares too much about you, I don't think he'd be able to control his temper.”

He tried to smile back at Omi, but he couldn’t quite manage. His earlier conversation with Ken had already been rather draining. To add on top of that these new revelations about Omi…it certainly did seem like the world was getting bleaker by the moment. He hadn’t really thought such a thing was possible, not after years of killing people for money. No, not for money. For revenge. Or so you keep telling yourself…

“I was never able to understand how you could smile so much,” Yohji admitted, “it was completely beyond me. Actually, it’s still beyond me. But I’m glad that you can.”

“And you can always tell me anything at all,” he added sincerely, “don’t hesitate if you need to talk. Private Eyes are experts on secrets, you know.” It was a little easier to smile back now.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi nodded, he knew how Ken’s temper could be when he couldn’t control it. And even if he didn’t tell Ken every thing, he hoped he’d be able to tell him something at least.

“Anou…thank you for listening to me. I am sorry, that I dumped my problems on you like that. Stuff that happened in my past, there’s nothing I can do about it now. Talking about it reminds me of the pain. Weiss really is my family, I might not understand it fully, but it’s just what life dealt me, and all of us. So I just make the best of it while I can.” Omi said sounding a bit more like his normal self.

“Now! Back to the real reason I came in here to begin with. To see how you were doing, and I’m going to make some ramen, would you like some?”

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji felt somewhat relieved as Omi continued to talk. Seeing Omi on the brink of tears had been unsettling, and started his mind racing about possibly needing to find some kind of psychiatrist, and wishing more fervently than ever that he knew how to contact Manx. But the boy was rapidly pulling himself together again, and obviously had been dealing with it pretty well for several years now. Maybe he had just needed a confidant.

“I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘dumping’ your problems on me,” Yohji smiled, “and don’t ever apologize for it. I’ll always listen, okay?”

Even if I can’t do a damn thing about it….

He was surprised when the attention was brought back to himself, the importance of his injury seemed to have significantly diminished since Omi started talking.

“Oh, seriously, I’ll be fine,” Yohji made a flippant waving motion with his hand, “I think the bandages will have to be changed soon, but I had grand designs of roping Ran into helping with that.” He smirked to himself. “I never turn down free cooking though,” he grinned.

[celtic-kitsune.livejournal.com]

Omi smiled more at Yohji, glad to turn the attention back on him. “If I see Ran-kun I’ll let him know your bandages need changing.” He turned to head out of the room. He stopped at the door looking back at Yohji.

“I’ll be back up later with the ramen.” He said slipping out of the room.

[Omi exits, hehehe, that was so much fun ^-^]

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Hey, wait!"

Yohji tried to retract his last statement, but Omi vanished from sight before he could complete the sentence.

"I was joking," he muttered to himself, although he knew that wasn't really true. But the very last thing he wanted was Omi getting himself involved in...whatever it was that he currently had going on with Ran. Why did he always run his mouth like that?

He sighed and tiredly swiped his hand across his eyes. There was no way he could catch up with the boy, he could only hope that Omi failed to run into Ran before returning with the ramen.

His desire to stay in his room had faded though. The talk had left him feeling infinitely more burdened than before, and solitude only magnified that. If he continued to sit here and dwell on what he'd just learned, the futility in wanting to rectify it would only torture him.

More than ever he felt the need to maintain some sort of social contact in order to keep him sane. He was getting better at maneuvering on his own, at least. Omi would find him.