Wednesday1.13 - Never Stopped to Dream

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran closed the door to Aya's room with a soft click.

Outside, he closed his eyes, replaying the conversation he'd had with his sister.

"...Like I'm actually talking to the Ran I know..." Aya's words.

He'd felt like Ran, in that moment. It wasn't as if he'd ever stopped being who he was, there were still those who had known him as Ran...but...never in this place. Never in the Koneko.

He was being foolish. There was no difference. He was who he was, Aya or Ran. It didn't matter what he was called.

But that wasn't what his sister had meant.

It had been nice, to sit with her like that, to talk and tease like they'd used to. It felt like he truly had his sister back, in a way he'd only caught moments of since she'd woken.

But he'd thought it had been for her protection. Ran opened his eyes and started down the hall. A part of him still wished he could sacrifice that moment, if only to give her back her ignorance.

The hallway was empty when he made it to his room. He pushed open his door and grabbed the bloody mission gear from where he'd folded it across the back of a chair. The muddy afternoon sunlight caught the stains on the fabric, casting the black with a red sheen. He trailed a finger over the fabric.

Yohji's blood. Ran frowned, a strange twist in his gut at the thought. It had been close. And it had been one of their own. His fingers clenched, bunching the material into his fist.

He willed himself not to think about Yohji dying, or about anything else related to Yohji, for that matter. He would allow himself that much of a reprieve, at least.

He took his soiled gear and made his way down the hall to the bathroom, to wash it out in the tub.

Comments

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji paused outside of his room a moment, not sure where to go.

Following Omi to the kitchen would hardly be a reprieve from the troubling things the boy had just told him. Although perhaps Omi could use a distraction just as much as Yohji. He doubted it though. If Omi had wanted to keep talking to him, he wouldn't have vanished from his room at the speed of light as he did. Yohji suspected that the boy probably needed some time to think alone after disclosing a secret he'd kept bottled up for such a great amount of time.

Ken had practically vanished on him too, and knowing that he had gone for a ride, Yohji didn't expect to see him back for a good amount of time. He wouldn't be available for social therapy for a couple of hours probably.

Which gave Yohji a better excuse than usual to bother the person he of course most wanted to see.

He wasn't about to interupt if Ran was still talking to his sister, however. And the confidence he had felt when teasing Ran earlier at (was it breakfast? Dinner?) was completely gone. He'd probably annoy the other man into putting him in a worse mood than he already posessed.

He put his hand on the door knob, about to give up and return to his room and solitude, but he just couldn't bring himself to actually open the door. He stood there another moment before the sound of running water caught his attention. He sighed, shrugged, and meandered toward the bathroom to investigate.

He didn't even notice that his usual deviant thoughts about the potential of catching Ran in an unexpected state of undress where completely absent from his mind.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran froze at the sudden appearance of Yohji emerging from his room.

He hefted the clothes in his arms, which were sliding, and settled into a cautious glare.

He was uneasy in the wake of his talk with his sister. He didn't like feeling uncertain of things, but it had become the usual state of affairs these days. Aya-chan reminding him of how much parts of him were the same as before had not done much to stabalize him. Yohji's confession, near-death, and his own as yet unacknowledged reaction to it were other matters entirely, matters he'd ignore if given the choice.

It was hard, though, with the trigger of his unbalance walking straight up to him.

At least he was walking. That was safer territory. Yohji at least did seem to be recovering.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran was glaring at him.

Well, if he was searching for some sort of return to normalcy, he'd found it. Ran looking pissed at him was about as normal as things got around here.

He tried to counter with one of his usual cocky smirks, but it didn't quite materialize.

"I seem to recall being responsible for a lot of that mess," he gave the bundle in Ran's arms an evaluating glance, "need help?"

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"You're injured," Ran pointed out, a bit obviously, in his opinion. He barely stopped himself from adding "You should be in bed." He wasn't Yohji's caretaker.

...he wasn't able to stop himself after all. Since when did Yohji take care of himself? "Rest."

He didn't continue to the bathroom. There was the offchance the man would actually follow him in.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"That's not something I'm very good at," Yohji shrugged, the innuendo potential of his comment not occuring to him until after the fact.

Ran was stalling. Yohji stood watching him a moment, and then leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

He didn't actually have much to say to Ran just yet, and silent company in the hallway was just as good as anywhere else.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"Hn." Ran made a noncommital noise and ignored Yohji's pose. If the man felt like lurking in the hallway, he was sure he had his reasons. None of which, Ran told himself firmly, he cared about.

He wasn't about to loiter where Aya-chan could chance upon them and see the mess in his arms. He decided the conversation seemed over, and continued on his path to the bathroom.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji wasn't about to let Ran escape that easily. He deliberately followed him into the bathroom and perched himself on the edge of the tub. The memory of his distress a few minutes ago at the prospect of Omi relaying his comment about the bandages made him smirk. Well, now was the perfect chance to intercept that message....

"Ya know..." he glanced down at the bloodstained cloth peaking out beneath his unbuttoned shirt, "that gear isn't the only thing that needs cleaning up."

He did his best to look helpless, but it wasn't an act he'd ever quite perfected. None the less, he stared at Ran expectantly.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran dumped his clothes in the tub and filled it with cold water, unsurprised at the company. It didn't grate on him as much as he'd expected, and he wrote his tolerance off to the fact that Yohji was injured.

He turned off the faucet and turned to face his teammate. The blonde was doing his damnedest to look pitiful. It wasn't working. What was working was that he genuinely looked like hell.

His clothes needed to soak before he'd be able to clean them. He assessed the bloodied cloth showing beneath Yohji's shirt. He didn't know where the other two Weiss were, but Yohji was right. His bandages needed changing.

"Okay." Ran said shortly. He opened the cabinet beneath the sink and pulled out one of the first aid kits they kept stocked.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran's compliance was so unexpected that Yohji almost fell backward into the tub. He continued staring at Ran a minute longer, completely at a loss for what to say. It seemed like these moments of Ran catching him off-guard were increasing in frequency. He used to find the other man thoroughly predictable.

Instead of responding verbally Yohji stripped off his shirt and waited for Ran to start.

He wished he could clear his mind of the dozens of troubling thoughts that persisted in distracting him. Ran paying attention to him like this was something he wanted all of his focus on.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Yohji's movements were awkward, and Ran did his best to watch impassively as he pulled his shirt off, revealing the full extent of the damage Ken had done.

It occured to Ran a little too late that he should have passed the job on to Omi.

It wasn't because of what Yohji had said, at least not directly. He wasn't convinced - even if Yohji himself was - of his confession. He believed that Yohji was the type to believe what he wanted when the mood struck, and Ran was self-aware enough to know he posed a challenge. That was it for Kudoh.

It was because remembering the Yohji from the night before almost dying was sharply painful.

It was because he was beginning to become aware of indications why.

Ran pushed the almostthought vehemently away, and focused on changing the dressing on Yohji's shoulder. Though he was usually anything but ginger, he kept the touch on Yohji's skin to a minimum, working with clinical efficiency.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji closed his eyes for a moment and let himself indulge in a fantasy of other circumstances serving as the catalyst for this rare contact. He found it was a little too easy to imagine that Ran's hands were attending to something other than bandages, and that his manner was something other than curt. He felt himself starting to smile before the sharp sting of antiseptic snapped him out of his daydream.

He craned his neck so he could get a better look at Ran while he worked, his eyes falling to rest on the place where he now remembered watching a computer impact. Ran probably had one hell of a bruise underneath his shirt.

Yohji cautiously reached forward and lightly grazed the spot with his hand. He wanted to make Ran's shirt disappear so he could evaluate the damage and then set about relieving it in various creative ways. But he knew that Ran would sooner preform a self-amputation than allow that to happen. Even slight contact though the safety of fabric had been a risky move; it wouldn't surprise Yohji if the handling of his injury suddenly became significantly rougher.

"I seem to be incurring a growing debt of gratitude towards you," Yohji peered at Ran through strands of hair which he'd allowed to fall across his face, "you ought to let me repay the favor."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran flinched away from the touch, then covered his surprise with a frown. "It's fine!"

The truth was, his shoulder had been bothering him. The last time he'd looked at it was in the shower that morning. Despite the swelling and the color, it rotated properly. Thus, it was fine, by his own assessment.

Yohji's manner threw him off. He was unused to gratitude from his teammate, or a line like that actually sounding helpful rather than like a come-on.

He finished tying off Yohji's bandage and tossed the roll of gauze into the kit on the sink. He stepped back, almost crossed his arms, remembered his shoulder, and stared Yohji down, waiting for the man to pick up his shirt and leave.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji stood up, leaving his shirt abandoned on the floor. Ran’s flinch hadn’t escaped him, and he was familiar enough with the other man’s mannerisms to be able to tell when Ran was simply brushing something off.

“I don’t think you are, actually,” he took a step forward, unwaveringly returning Ran’s stare, “I wouldn’t be fine if I’d been nailed by a computer.”

But then of course, I’m not you, Yohji thought, surprised at the persistence of his sarcasm, in spite of his currently humorless mood, I’m not that special.

He resisted his inclination to simply rip off Ran’s shirt. There’s that unexpected tendency towards self preservation again…. He did however allow himself to more brazenly run his hand across Ran’s shoulder.

“I can make it feel better,” he said, keeping his voice low so that he had to lean significantly into Ran’s personal space to be heard, “I can definitely stop you from thinking about it.”

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

The pain Yohji's touch elicited was quickly forgotten in the wake of his velvet suggestion. Ran turned his flail into a shove, as much to get Yohji off his shoulder as to cover his reaction. His palms on Yohji's bare chest, their close proximity, the closed quarters of the bathroom, Yohji's goddamned voice...

"It's fine." Ran rasped. He swung open the door, putting more space between himself and Yohji, slamming his control back into place.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Although the shove hadn’t been very forceful, Yohji wasn’t really recovered enough to handle it. He was barely able to stifle a yell of pain as he fumbled backward and braced himself against the wall.

“Sonnovabitch,” he muttered under his breath, eyes squeezed shut. I asked for that, he had to remind himself. He opened them again, and fixed his gaze on Ran, although he didn’t move away from the wall.

“Some of us aren’t,” he gasped through the renewed throbbing, “I’m a pretty fucking long way from it actually.” It sounded strange to be actually admitting that, after the repetitions of I’ll be okay he’d recited like a mantra each time Omi or Ken had asked him.

That wasn’t anything Ran didn’t already know though. The obvious response was what Ran had already told him. You need to rest. He felt pathetic for whining.

He pulled himself together and stood up straighter, although he wasn’t yet ready to push off the wall.

“I know you’re not very good at that whole ‘pretend’ thing,” Yohji added, more to himself than Ran really, “but letting me help you would go a hell of a long way towards making me feel better.”

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Yohji supported himself against the wall, chest heaving.

Ran barely managed to keep himself from spitting out the natural response, and why the hell would he want to do that. It wasn't true. Though his outward appearance remained impassive, the twinge in his chest was back. He labelled it neatly under "irritation", though a small internal voice told him that wasn't accurate.

"If you're not better," Ran snapped, "Then you should get the hell back into bed and rest!"

After a moment, he calmed down slightly. Yohji hadn't made another advance, so he added about his shoulder, "It just needs time."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"Huh, rest," Yohji snapped back. "Lying there. Alone. It feels like death." His hands balled into fists. "I've had quite enough of death."

He stepped away from the wall, and paused to get his bearings back. When he was sure he was steady again he looked back at Ran. He knew that now would be a good time to just keep his mouth shut, that anything he said was only going to escalate a fight that he didn't have the energy to participate in. But if he closed his eyes, and turned his thoughts inward, away from Ran, there was Omi. And more distantly Ken. He felt depressed, and helpless, and desperate to feel anything but. Arguing with Ran was familiar and gave him back at least a thin illusion of control, even though he knew that he had no hope of winning an argument in his present state. It was easier to ignore the realization that he was only sabotaging his own desire to get closer to Ran.

"If it makes you sick when I touch you or something, just fucking say so," the words stung almost as much coming from his own mouth as he imagined they would from Ran's. Of course he IS going to say so, now that you've given him the prompt. "But telling me you're 'fine' and that I need to go back to bed is bullshit. You might as well tell me to go pick out a casket I like, because that would feel a helluva lot more productive than any more fucking isolation."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"If it makes you sick when I touch you or something, just fucking say so."

That stung.

It was better than Yohji guessing the fucking truth. That it wasn't Yohji's fault at all that he was reacting to the intensity, their proximity.

Emotionless, only care about Weiss... Echoes of past arguments left hanging.

And what Yohji was saying struck a sour note. It wasn't like him to be so honest. But the man deserved whatever he got, yanking Ran around just to watch him squirm. He couldn't even stand, let alone make good on his "promise" to make Ran forget.

The knowledge put him back into the realm of safety, the familiarity of Kudoh teasing for the sake of it. It was apparent, though, that the man wasn't going to let it go until he was given the chance to reciprocate with playing nurse. Ran scowled. "Fine, Kudoh."

He pulled of his black tee-shirt with one hand, displaying his shoulder. He rotated it carefully in demonstration, then made to pull his shirt back on.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji froze in shock. No fucking way….

His instinctual reaction was to joke, to say ‘who are you, and what have you done with Ran,’ and immediately start looking around for a discarded alien pod.

But Ran was already moving to put his shirt back on and there was no way in Hell that Yohji was going to miss such an opportunity in favor of sarcasm. He suddenly found the distance between them far easier to traverse than he’d initially evaluated, and Ran’s shirt was quickly liberated from his hand and carelessly tossed across the room.

With the threat of re-clothing eliminated, Yohji was able to slow down and more carefully inspect Ran.

“Having purple skin does not equate to ‘fine’,” Yohji rolled his eyes before fishing a tube of anti-inflammatory ointment out of the first aid kit. Ran’s shoulder looked positively brutal. He momentarily felt a twinge of guilt for his previous manhandling of it, but it was fleeting. He squeezed a liberal amount of the ointment onto the injured shoulder and cautiously started to knead it in.

Well. It might not be doing quite so much for Ran, but as predicted, it was helping him feel better. Although that probably had a lot less to do with feeling helpful as it did with getting a very appreciated eyeful of Ran sans shirt. The whole being allowed to touch him bit earned this a spot on Yohji’s very, very short list of ‘moments were being an assassin almost feels rewarding.’ He slowed down a little further, knowing that this wasn’t likely to be a repeat opportunity.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"Kudoh, what do you think -" Ran opened his mouth to lash out, glare back in place, as Yohji snatched his shirt and tossed it aside. Ointment was being applied to his shoulder.

Ran could kill Yohji. He gritted his teeth as Yohji dared to press into his muscle, but only a moment later and his administrations went from agony to something approaching feeling good.

Goddamn Kudoh, but he worked well with his hands.

The thought sent Ran into an even deeper scowl. He averted his gaze while Yohji kneeded him. Nevertheless, he allowed Yohji's touch as long as his pride allowed it, which might have been a couple minutes at most, before he shrugged off his hand.

He rotated his shoulder slowly. It felt better, if only marginally.

The expression on his face relaxed into something near civil and closer to surprised, as close as Yohji was going to get to a thank-you from him.

"Hn," Ran commented, almost to himself. He looked for his shirt and found it floating in the bloody water of the tub.

This, Ran decided, was Yohji's thank-you. Not killing him. He shot him a look askance, and shut the door partway so he could kneel by the tub. As far as he was concerned, Yohji could stay, or he could go, but he wasn't going to be sidetracked anymore from his chores.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

As far as Yohji was concerned, the lack of violence being dealt in exchange for his ‘helpfulness’ amounted to nothing short of encouragement.

“I wasn’t done yet,” he whined, lightly dragging his still greasy fingers done Ran’s shoulder blade.

“It’s all about holistic care, you know,” he added teasingly “you have to attend to more than just the symptoms.”

He maintained the contact with Ran’s back but didn’t press his luck by doing more than rubbing a light circle in a fairly non-threatening location.

“We have a washing machine, you know,” he persisted.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes flew wide at Yohji's persistent touch. "Goddammit, Kudoh!" He whirled around, standing up again. He knocked Yohji's hand away in the process.

"Your boredom isn't my problem. Your lonliness is not my problem. Your hard on-" Ran bit out his words, even as he ignored his own body's response, "-is not my problem." Ran's fists clenched, swung from nearly contented to nearly homicidal by the breach of trust.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji was unfazed by Ran’s explosion, actually surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner. He knew he had been walking a very thin line.

He let his hands drop non-threateningly to his sides and looked at Ran evenly.

“You’ve been giving me a hell of a lot of mixed messages,” he calmly replied, “therefore, yeah, that makes at least one of those things your problem.”

He sat back down to give Ran more space.

He’d been about to deliver a line about how Ran could definitively end this by just giving Yohji a final concrete answer, but he realized it would have been a lie. He wasn’t capable of giving up. Not completely. He’d try to back down maybe, but he decided not to encourage Ran to give him that definite no. Because that’s what would happen if he continued to push him.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

“...therefore, yeah, that makes at least one of those things your problem.”

Ran nearly decked Yohji, but instead watched in disbelief as Yohji settled in.

He didn't like this feeling.

He didn't like being harassed like this. It didn't feel like usual, like Yohji was teasing anymore. He didn't like all the emotions concerning the blond he'd carefully overwritten before with anger and annoyance.

There was no doubt which "one of those things" Yohji meant.

Ran slammed the door shut. They'd been talking too long as it was and too loudly with it open, when anyone in the Koneko could walk by and hear.

The other assassin, languid in the face of Ran's anger, managed to look graceful even sitting on the lid of the toilet. There was the edge of something hard behind the usual softness of his eyes, intent on Ran's movements.

Fuck this.

He couldn't deny his physical reactions. He was tired of giving Yohji excuses he never listened to.

He was tired of fighting against himself.

They both knew what Yohji really wanted. And if Yohji wanted him, it wasn't going to be permanent, and he better goddamned know it was going to be by Ran's rules.

He didn't love Yohji. He ignored the sense of uncertainty underlying his conviction.

"Then I'll clear it up for you," Ran hissed slowly, making his decision as he spoke. His eyes narrowed. "If it's my problem and you want this, Kudoh, then we're doing it on my terms. There's not going to be strings attached. This isn't about love. I'm not looking for anyone-"

He didn't needanyone.

"-And no one can know. It stays out of missions. It stays out of Weiss. That's my offer." His voice was a low growl. He kept his gaze steady on Yohji's, making sure he understood. "Or leave me the fuck alone."

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

This really wasn't how Yohji'd expected this particular scenario to play out.

That hadn't been how he'd expected Ran to react, and this definitely wasn't where or how he'd expected this particular ground to be broken.

He hadn't actually expected it to be broken at all, actually. He'd expected to eventually back Ran against a wall only to receive a final no, just get the fuck away from me forever, asshole. Or maybe a fractured solar plexus. He wouldn't have ruled out both.

He'd spent an awful lot of time over the past few days fantasizing about what it would be like for Ran to actually say yes.

Funny how now, facing the daydream realized, Yohji actually had to bite his tongue to stop himself from turning Ran's offer down.

Ran probably thinks he's making my fucking day, Yohji mused cynically. But the words were almost as painful to hear as the anticipated rejection.

This isn't about love. I'm not looking for anyone-

Speak for your fucking self...

...which of course he was.

Seconds ticked into a minute, two minutes, Yohji stared at Ran blankly, too many thoughts were waring in his head.

But the memory of an earlier thought was front and center. If it were Ran, I'd probably be willing to take whatever I could get. And it was true.

"Okay," he finally nodded. "If that's what you want."

He would just have to change Ran's mind. Eventually.

He didn't move from his seat.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran nodded, shortly. He stayed frozen in place, the transaction surreal. "Then when you're better." He said it almost with the air of a businessman.

It would get Yohji off his back.

The Kudoh in him pointed out that was definitely only a figure of speech in this scenario.

He couldn't deny the prospect of Yohji in bed wasn't entirely an unpleasant one. His body seemed to agree. He acknowledged the anticipation that came with the concept of giving into even one of his desires toward the blonde.

This was only about needs, nothing more. Yohji seemed to understand that. He was right, then, about Yohji's aim with this.

Liar.

He shut down the unpleasant knot in his stomach.

Shut the fuck up, he told himself.

Ran finally jerked into motion, pulling open the door behind him with a twist of his wrist, before making a stumbling exit into the hallway.

[Ran exits]

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

-If- I'm better... the cynicism nagged.

Yohji still didn't move from his seat. He tried to think about the promise in Ran's closing statement, but he felt strangely cold and detached. It was hard to believe that Ran actually intended to carry through with this...how did he see it? Agreement.

Yohji looked down at his neatly dressed wound and picked at the corner of the bandage. If I were looking for an 'agreement' I could have found one in a club. Or ten.

Ran's clothes were still soaking in the tub. Yohji's first inclination was to finish cleaning them for Ran....

...except that was the sort of thing you'd do for someone you loved.

Yohji choked back a harsh laugh as he picked up his own shirt from the floor and dropped it in with the rest of the waterlogged articles. Omi was probably looking for him. That was far longer than it would have taken to cook ramen.

He let the door slam behind him.

[Yohji exits]