Thursday1.6 - Recovery

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran set the bowl of uneaten oatmeal on the table by the couch and sat down gingerly, folding his hands in his lap. He wished he could draw his legs beneath him and meditate.

He didn't understand why Yohji had gotten to him that much. Yohji was just teasing, Yohji always teased.

It was just that the things Yohji was teasing about now, Ran knew held a note of truth.

Even if they were little things, meaningless things, even if the words held a compliment and even if Ran knew that Yohji had truly not been flirting with his sister.

Ran was used to protecting the people - the person, as it had been for so long - he cared about, even from these people whom he lived with, considered his friends and even family in some small way. He had guarded how he really felt about his life for so long. Even the small glimpses Yohji was offering the others on his behalf, without his permission, felt like a gross invasion of his privacy.

Ran looked down at his hands.

But they were his friends, and they still lived together. It would be impossible to hide something like what Yohji was trying to start from them for long.

Ran let out a small sigh, and closed his eyes.

...perhaps he had been wrong to have taken it the way he did.

...but Yohji had still been trying to make him uncomfortable, and had seemed singlemindedly bent on revealing what had happened. And remembering what had happened made his breathing catch.

Ran sighed quietly again.

Comments

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji slowed his pace as he approached the couch, and regarded Ran cautiously. He'd known from the beginning that a relationship (or even just a pseudo-relationship) with Ran would be challenging. Yohji seemed innately programed to antagonize the man, and Ran could be ridiculously touchy. Even still, he hadn't expected them to start clashing quite this soon.

He sat down next to Ran, and watched him intently. His instinct was to ask 'What's your problem?" but knew that would only dig him deeper into a hole, even if felt that by no means did he belong there in the first place. He kept his mouth shut, certain that if he waited, Ran would enlighten him to his indiscretion, whatever he'd done.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"My sister is off-limits, Kudoh." Ran said without opening his eyes. His tone clearly said, flirt with her and die.

That wasn't exactly what he'd intended to say. His emotions were too conflicted for him to make sense of, however, and he wasn't sure if he was the one who should be feeling guilty or if Yohji had actually done something wrong. His frustration demanded to be actualized in some manner, however, and hitting on his sister was a clear taboo.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran...Couldn't be serious.

He almost had to physically restrain himself from smacking himself in the head in response.

"That's not a problem," he sighed. "Never has been, never will be a problem. You're hallucinating if you think you saw any interest there."

He was tempted to say something painfully sarcastic, but managed to keep himself in check. Honestly, he ought to win some sort of medal for self control over the past twenty-four hours....

He couldn't help wondering if Ran honestly thought that had qualified as flirting, or if he was just looking for excuses to be mad at him. He often saw only what he wanted to, in regards to his sister.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran opened his eyes and sought Yohji's, genuinely confused. "Then why..."

There was irritation in Yohji's green eyes, and that confused Ran more. He was the one who had been made fun of in the other room, after all, and it had sounded like Yohji was hitting on his sister, making subtle innuendos at Ran and then swinging around to compliment his sister's appearance.

Ran tensed, completely lost. He was positive that somewhere in the conversation in the kitchen a joke had been made at his expense.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

“It’s called changing the subject,” Yohji said in frustration. “You looked uncomfortable, so I tried to distract her. You need to learn the difference between flirting and simply functioning socially.”

Could Ran actually be as confused as he looked? He’d watched Yohji flirt with dozens of people. He knew all of his usual pick up lines. You look nice, was definitely not one of them. It was the sort of thing he had used to say to his mother and school teachers. Was Ran just completely foreign to compliments?

He didn’t seem quite as mad as he’d looked in the kitchen though. Yohji decided to take his chances by moving closer and throwing his arm around Ran’s shoulders.

“You on the other hand, look far more appetizing than that oatmeal over there,” He said leaning in close to Ran’s ear. “That’s flirting. See the difference?”

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes went a little wide before he schooled his expression back under control. The blonde seemed serious. He had been trying to help him? Analyzing the events seemed to support Yohji. He hadn't taken Ken's reaction as an opportunity, either.

Surprise sprung back onto his face at Yohji's touch. Unbeknownst to Ran, his changing features came off as a little comical.

"Being compared against oatmeal is flirting?" Ran shot back. But he didn't move away. He let out a small sigh, again. "I'm sorry," he muttered, keeping his face averted. He didn't like apologizing, but Yohji's words stuck with him - 'functioning socially'. They stung.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

“Well, not my best work, I’ll admit,” Yohji grinned sheepishly, allowing himself to relax a little with ran’s apology.

Ran didn’t used to apologize to him, regardless to how obviously Yohji might have been right. This was borderline revolutionary.

“That was on the subtle side,” he continued. “I can be more direct. How about, ‘you are the fucking hottest person I’ve ever met, and I want you to do me right now on the couch.’ That better?”

He wished Ran would turn around so he could see the expression on his face.

“You won’t ever catch me saying that to your sister, I can promise you, heh,” he added.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran obliged his unspoken desire, whipping his head around so hard that his eartails swung. Yohji looked positively smug. Ran still couldn't understand how the man radiated sex no matter what he did, even sprawled casually on their old couch.

It should have pissed him off. Now that he had some idea that Yohji might be actually serious, however...

And suddenly, Ran realized that if Yohji knew, and he most certainly did after the previous night, looking now was not going to hurt much. Ran allowed himself to drag his gaze down from Yohji's face to his body, taking in all of it before seeking out the man's green eyes again.

"Everyone's in the other room." Ran pointed out after a long pause. There was a small smirk resting on his own lips when he said it, barely visible.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran’s sweeping gaze and faint smirk were almost enough to have Yohji tossing his coffee cup across the room and pouncing the man. He was lucky that they were both too injured for Yohji to indulge his natural inclinations, because his chances for adhering to further self restraint after a look like that weren’t so hot. Ran probably had no idea just quite how inviting he looked at the moment.

Yohji happily reciprocated in checking the redhead out, responding with a less subtle smirk of his own.

“Not everyone,” he responded facetiously. “And anyway, it would certainly clarify any misunderstandings as to exactly who I’ve been flirting with….”

Not that he expected the others had any real doubts anyway….

He leaned in and caught the edge of Ran’s ear in his mouth.

“Now that we’ve eaten, I think it’s time to go back to bed,” he added after a moment of rapt attention to the side of Ran’s head. “We didn’t get to do nearly enough last night.”

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

The nibble on his ear surprised him, and it surprised him more that he liked it. Up until that point his hands had remained clasped in his lap, but at Yohji's forthrightness he placed a palm on Yohji's leg, sliding it until it rested on his inner thigh.

The novelty of touching to cause that sort of pleasure had Ran's breath quickening. He was trying to come to terms with accepting that he wanted Yohji like that, Yohji, of all people, and the man's continuous offers of more were wearing down his defenses. Quicker than he wanted to admit, and almost quicker than he could cope with. What they had already done he doubted amounted to much in Yohji's book, it could still remain a one-time event...

And he could remain alone, while he suffered watching Yohji sift through all the options under the sun.

He still had a hard time believe in Yohji's sincerity. What made the man want him? Part of him was convinced Yohji was just confusing proximity and teamwork for something deeper...

But you really aren't confused. A snide little voice whispered. Which is why you never wanted to start this.

But Yohji had had part of him already, and gotten Ran to admit he wanted the other man on some level - and he had followed after him this morning, though Ran had given him too many cold shoulders to count. And Yohji's touch - did everyone's feel that good, was it just the feel of another human touching him like that? Ran suspected that wasn't the case, and if that was true...

His brain shut down that train of thought. Yohji was offering sex, and Ran hadn't yet offered anything more. And fuck, but he wanted it.

His fingers applied slight pressure to Yohji's thigh, and inched higher. He turned his face and caught Yohji's mouth with his own. His eyes remained slits, watching Yohji's face carefully before they slid shut. He pressed deeper with his lips.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji hadn’t expected Ran to bend to his invitations. The sudden pressure on his thigh was unexpected, and drew an instantaneous reaction from his body. If Ran wasn’t intending to carry this further, Yohji was going to be too frustrated for any immediate social interactions. He’d definitely be sentenced to some alone time in his room.

This time he allowed his eyes to shut quickly and forcefully met Ran’s tongue with his own. He guided Ran’s hand the rest of the way up his thigh so that he could feel just how hard he had already gotten him.

He tried to ignore the obnoxiously rational part of his mind that warned against letting himself get too lost in this. Ran was sending him incredibly mixed messages, and he didn’t have a clue what the other man was thinking. It was very possible that he was simply setting himself up for a horribly painful final rejection. But dwelling on that potential would accomplish nothing; Yohji knew that he couldn’t ignore his feelings for Ran regardless of how slim his chances might actually be for a happy resolution.

Anyway, it was always better to focus on the present. Ran was kissing him because he wanted to. That fact alone had been enough to make him hard. He let his hand drift to Ran’s stomach and slid it down the thinly sheathed flat plane of his abdomen. His fingers dipped below the edge of Ran’s waistband, but hesitated tentatively. He wasn’t about to make any assumptions.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran allowed his hand to be moved upward, and he closed his fingers over Yohji's growing erection, which wasn't concealed much by the thin fabric of the man's pajamas. The tongue in his mouth felt surprisingly good, and the sensation was felt elsewhere as well. He barely paid attention at first to the hand sliding south on his own body.

Damn, he'd said not on the couch, right? Hadn't he? The others, including his sister, were in the other room, and there was no way in hell...

It took him a moment to follow his own advice, circumventing Yohji's questing fingers by closing a hand over his wrist, all the while dueling with Yohji's lips. He brought his other hand to pass over the tip of Yohji's hardness before quickly drawing away. It startled him how uneven his breathing was, and how tight his jeans had become. Chafingly tight. Yohji's actions told him he was offering, but Ran wasn't the best at reading advances. Too bad for Yohji, if that was the case, because this was what Yohji had asked for before, and he'd made Ran want it.

He was having hard time hearing the voice that had whispered 'bad idea' almost nonstop up until this moment. Some part of him felt it lurking there, but his desires had it caged. He had wanted Yohji, had felt this attraction and denied it for so long, and the small taste he'd just been given made his want almost a physical pain. It had been easier before, when he didn't know what he'd never had. But the feel of Yohji's angular body against his, and experienced touch, and that damned look in his eyes that said Ran was more than what the swordsman thought of himself...that there was something left for them both...

His voice was almost a growl. "I'm going to your room."

And if Yohji didn't show up...Ran might have to follow through on his own.

He gave the blonde a sweeping glance, pausing almost too long for him to remember to carry through. Yohji looked disheveled, the other man's body obviously straining against his control. It was gratifying that he at least had that effect on the other assassin. His eyes met the green pools of Yohji's and skittered away as he made himself get up and stride purposefully out, favoring his leg as little as possible.

He carefully avoided acknowledging his teammates and sister from the doorway to the kitchen and hastily made his way upstairs before anyone could stop him. Yohji's room was unlocked, and there was just the slightest hesitation as his fingers ghosted on the handle. Steeling his resolve, he pushed it open. It smelled like him, and that wasn't a bad thing - soap, shampoo and Yohji's own scent. It wasn't as much of a disaster as Ran had considered it to be in the past, and he wondered briefly if his opinions of the man had changed so much so quickly. The stray alcohol bottle made him frown, he disliked the reminder of how little regard Yohji usually carried for himself. The bed was messy, there were a few articles of clothing strewn about, but it made something in Ran twinge with something like jealousy. It looked lived in. Ran's own room was bare and severe and even in his own opinion, it seemed untouched, and largely, that was the truth.

Cautiously, he sat on the edge of the bed, and became aware that he was violating Yohji's personal space without waiting for permission from the man.

Yohji had asked for this, he reminded himself.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran’s grip drew a low gasp from Yohji and his hips automatically tilted forwards, encouraging the contact. It was probably just the built up intensity of wanting the other man so badly, but fuck if Ran’s fingers didn’t feel better than anyone else who’d ever touched him.

His hand struggled for a second against Ran’s intervention of his exploring. The pressure of long fingers wrapping around him in spite of the obstructing fabric had broken his initial restraint. He continued to kiss Ran fervently in hopes of steering his resolve back to the groping.

He found himself making another involuntary noise, not even sure whether it was from Ran’s final arousing stroke, or the disappointment of broken contact. His disappointment was short lived though, as it only took meeting Ran’s eyes to realize that they were most definitely not finished. The brusque announcement that Ran was going to his room had him nodding in eager agreement. He paused before moving however, absorbing the still novel feel of Ran’s openly wandering gaze. He stretched backwards with a slight smirk, wishing that he wasn’t wrapped up in so many damn bandages. They kind of impeded the effect he was going for.

He forced himself to watch Ran completely exit before pulling himself up and struggling off of the couch. In better circumstances he might have practically run after his teammate, but as things stood it took all his effort just to walk normally. Not that he was about to complain too much, as he was already moving with considerably more ease than he had managed the day previous.

His pace quickened as he passed through the kitchen, aware that his pajamas were probably not doing the best job of concealing the state of his body. Not that he really cared all that much if anyone noticed, but there was no reason to draw attention to himself just now if he could help it.

He stopped outside of his room and tried to let his breathing return to normal, and hide the fact that merely climbing the stairs had winded him. He ran a hand shakily through his hair, wishing for a second that he had a mirror, and then deciding that he didn’t care anyway. Ran had seen enough of him to know what he looked at his worst already. He turned the knob and stepped through, closing the door behind him but not entering further. Ran was perched on his bed, awkwardly—almost properly--apparently waiting for him. He looked pensive, and for the millionth time, Yohji wished he had some way of gaining insight to the other man’s thoughts.

After a few seconds of observation he allowed a grin to break onto his face. He strode across the room and pushed Ran backwards onto the bed, relived that the redhead didn’t offer too much resistance, as he wouldn’t have had the strength to be forceful. He climbed over him, straddling his hips, and locked onto Ran’s eyes, while his hand simultaneously returned to where it had been before Ran had wrenched it away in the living room. He plunged it deeper, finding confirmation that Ran was every bit as turned on as Yohji himself.

“Hey there,” he said breathlessly.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji sighed, aware that Ran wasn't going to be satisfied with any of the safely vague responses that he felt inclined to give him. He supposed he could make something up... but Ran deserved better than that, especially after giving himself to Yohji so intimately. At one time, Ran probably wouldn't have even cared enough to persist asking....

"He didn't do much, he really doesn't have to do much," Yohji chose his words carefully. "He's...more of a catalyst than a torturer."

His finger was still absentmindedly running up and down the tendon of Ran's wrist. He wondered at that fact that Ran hadn't pulled away yet.

"Mastermind's game is to go into your head and figure out exactly what bothers you the most, and what you really hate about yourself. Then all he has to do is plant a suggestion or two. With a few carefully chosen sentences he can make you want to kill yourself."

He stared up at the ceiling as he spoke, unable to look Ran in the eye as he admitted how easily manipulated his own mind was.

"In other words, he makes you torture yourself. Mostly he just watches, you know."

Finished, he now let himself examine Ran's face, searching for a clue to Ran's thoughts. Was he dismayed by Yohji's weakness? He couldn't tell.

"It might not be that way for everyone though," he shrugged slightly. "I got the impression he considered me an especially easy target."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's lips tightened farther. The alcohol bottles on the floor were a testament to how much pain the man tried to drown out all on his own, without the help of a sadist. He'd seen Yohji approaching his worst, and wasn't surprised in the least to hear that he had been easy to mentally fuck. While it wasn't the entire story, Ran felt that the details, though he truly wanted to know, would be entering far too personal territory. He barely kept himself from interrogating the troubled blond.

Yohji was avoiding eye contact, and even seemed to be ashamed. It was galling. Despite the advice given to his sister, it made him want to track them down and exact payment for his teammate's suffering. They deserved to feel the sort of pain they inflicted. They deserved to die.

Ran wanted to ask if they had made Yohji want to kill himself, but the admission was already there. Carefully, he spread his hand along Yohji's shoulderblades to the back of his neck in an awkward, loose embrace. He rolled onto his side despite jostling his own leg so that he could meet Yohji's eyes squarely. He had lost no respect for him as it was clear Yohji suspected, and he needed to impress that upon him by letting Yohji see his eyes.

"What stopped you?" Ran asked, his voice low. "If he made you...why aren't you dead?"

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Ran had obviously latched onto parts of his admission more strongly than others. Yohji found himself wishing he'd phrased things differently. He definitely shouldn't have let the topic of death enter into it.

"Oh," he shifted uncomfortably under Ran's steady eye contact. "If I was really the suicidal type, it would have already happened ages ago. Don't go arranging death watches on me or anything now. It's not very likely or anything."

No. You're more the type to keep living just to make a point of punishing yourself as some sort of fucked up penance.

...And Ran can probably understand that.

He appreciated the awkward hug nonetheless. A few days ago he never would have seen the potential for it. It felt more natural than it should have, considering the brief span of their elevated relationship.

"I guess make wasn't the right word there," he corrected. "He didn't force anything, he unbalances."

Ran seemed more solidly attached to his convictions though. Yohji wondered if Schuldig would have had similar success in making the redhead question his own nature. He liked to imagine not.

"My death was never Schuldig's objective." Yohji was careful to keep most of the emotion out of his face as he hinted at the main source of his mental turmoil. "He was just really interested in getting me to leave. That's all. And you shouldn't be surprised that I can be a stubborn fucker."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"Hn," Ran said quietly, sifting through Yohji's confessions for holes. Yohji was back with them, so part of what he said was true. Ran had never considered Yohji to be particularly stable based on bad habits and past actions, however, and it made him see the other man in a new light.

Ran wondered how Yohji could retain such balance, with nothing but memories to fight for. He wondered if Yohji realized how much stronger that made him. He'd often thought that of them all, Yohji had the most chance at leaving Weiss behind and actually being happy, and his answers now reinforced that opinion. Ran himself did not know how he would have fared, faced with the same torment - he'd had his sister to fight for, and now his sister to protect, but in all honesty he had not intended to face down Takatori and live. He'd been prepared to die for his causes, because his causes had been revenge and to give his sister her life, nothing more. He still wasn't convinced keeping her with them was protecting her more than putting her in danger, especially since Schwarz had become interested in them again. Could Schuldig have convinced him to leave the world?

He would like to think he would manage to kill the bastard first.

"...leave Weiss?" Ran asked finally. His eyes had shifted away as he thought, but now found Yohji's face again. Would shaving them down to three members really benefit Schwarz that greatly?

He should have thought that would have been more easy. Ran had never understood Yohji's reasons for remaining with them.

"How?" Ran added after a moment, searching Yohji's blank expression.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji nodded, but didn't immediately reply. He hadn't intended to share any of this. He especially hadn't planned on disclosing the offer that both Mastermind and Oracle had seemed a little too eager to present to him. So long as he kept it to himself, it might remain a viable back-up plan. Yohji liked to always keep his options open, even ones he found unpalatable.

But things had changed more drastically in light of his return than he expected, and Schuldig's offer didn't leave room for him to be selective. No matter what happened next, Yohji wasn't willing to sacrifice the memory of what he'd just done with Ran. He was pretty sure he could now close the lid on his considerations for starting over.

"Prodigy has the hacking skills to make someone disappear without consequences. It mostly would have been a matter of paperwork, I guess...."

Ran was looking at him, almost puzzled. Was it really that surprising that he'd chosen to return? Yohji doubted that Ran would have been willing to leave.

"The price was too steep though, in my opinion," he continued. "Schuldig can do more than just read minds, you know. Apparently he can alter them. Let me ask you this, would you be willing to trade the memory of your sister just to get a new life?"

He didn't need to ask the question to know Ran's answer to that.

"Severing attachments has never been my forte," he smiled sadly.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran winced internally, though his expression mostly remained unchanged. So they had offered to wipe, or replace, Yohji's memory.

And that realization cracked through the veneer, made Ran's features waver into uncertainty. "No. I would never make that choice." He agreed.

But he would have thought that Yohji would have.

All of his previous assumptions and criticisms of Yohji's character were being thrown into turmoil.

Just how much had he been unwilling to see? It was true, that Ran had mainly tried to keep Yohji at a distance over the years, but he had thought he'd had an understanding of how the other man worked. Now, however...

It made Ran question what he'd missed, during his time as Aya. Ran had known that Yohji was not half as transparent as the man tried to make everyone believe, but he had also never equated that with quite the depth he was revealing now. It made him wonder if whatever Yohji had been trying to start now, might really have been an option far earlier.

...perhaps for Yohji, Ran finally decided. Though obviously, Yohji had never tried, so that meant nothing. He'd been looking elsewhere, with perfect results. But Ran himself had only truly woken to the fact that he was still alive when his sister had woken from her coma. It had been like he was sleepwalking, before. Even if he had bothered to pay more attention to the layers beneath the surface, he probably wouldn't have been able to feel enough to see what they meant. Even now, Yohji kept throwing all of his assumptions about the other assassin into turmoil.

He gave a short nod to Yohji's final answer. His hand was still beneath Yohji's neck, and he then drew it back to himself, lost in his own considerations.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"I almost agreed," he added compulsively.

He was telling Ran far, far more than he had initially intended. He wasn't sure what kept driving him to continue to divulge, especially considering Ran had apparently been satisfied with his answer.

He wanted Ran to understand him though. Desperately. That Ran had been willing to connect with him physically had made Yohji happier than he felt he even deserved, but it wasn't enough to satisfy him. He'd seen in Ran's eyes that he did stand a chance for something deeper. He just wasn't entirely sure how they were going to get there yet.

He missed the contact of Ran's hand.

"You'd almost think his real name was Lucifer or something, for all the skills he's got at tempting people." He snorted sarcastically.

He placed his hand on Ran's hipbone, and looked at him seriously before cracking a grin. "But no regrets, that's for damn sure."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran's eyes snapped back to Yohji's face, frowning immediately. He ignored the flippant comment and the hand on his waist, searching Yohji's eyes. It wasn't something Ran would have admitted had it been true, and he wondered why Yohji decided to confess. Did he want Ran to pity him? If that were the case, he'd be disappointed. It stirred a slight anger in him, but it wasn't necessarily at Yohji himself.

He was angry that Yohji was willing to content himself with false happiness that had nothing to do with who he actually was. He was angry that it meant the other man didn't consider himself someone worth keeping in the world.

"What stopped you?" Ran asked, despite the sinking feeling in his gut. This was a deeper conversation than perhaps he'd ever bothered to have with his teammate, and something unknown spurred him to see it through. He had just been connected physically to the other man, and as intimate as that had been, that had only been sharing something on the surface of who they were. He was still hesitant to seek a deeper connection, and did not know if that was even possible for him. Nevertheless, there was something unbalanced still in Yohji's expression, something seeking contact, and Ran found he was still willing to provide it.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Was Ran really that clueless, or was he just pretending?

"Do you seriously need to ask that?" He asked disbelievingly. "Really? After all that shit I've already told you?" He pulled his head back slightly, to afford him a more encompassing view of Ran's reaction. His face had darkened considerably, and he was definitely tenser than before.

"Are you hoping that I'll say it was Asuka?" He asked, disappointed that Ran had apparently brushed off his confessions so easily. "Because it wasn't. I wouldn't want to lose her, but quite frankly I don't think I'll have much say in that matter. Time doesn't hold a lot of favors for sentimentality. She's already fading whether I like it or not." A deep, familiar ache started to gather in his chest and he closed his eyes for a second, trying to staunch the upsurge of emotion that too easily manifested when he let his thoughts stray there. He was treading dangerous territory letting himself talk about her. "I can't even remember her real voice anymore, you know. When I try to all I can hear is that bitch Neu's."

He opened his eyes again, relieved that they where still dry. He hadn't been sure that they would be.

"Asuka isn't the most important thing to me anymore," he sighed. "You of all people ought to get that."

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

"You're saying that *I* was the reason..." The incredulous words escaped Ran's lips before he could stop them. He bit them off immediately, alarmed.

It recalled the panic he'd felt yesterday, the surprising sense of potential loss, the abyss that promised an absence of hope. All the things he'd already managed to forget he'd felt. Yohji had said many things to him that week, and Ran had categorized each one of them into definitions of delusion and simple lust. He was being too honest that morning for Ran to write off what he was saying now, especially after he had accomplished the sole thing Ran had thought he'd been after.

His heart was thudding in his own ears. What if he hadn't accepted Yohji's proposition? Would the man be back at Schwarz now, erasing himself? That was not acceptable. He did not want that sort of responsibility.

But if somehow, he had truly saved Yohji from that...

The man's hand was burning into his skin.

If they could manage to save each other...

Ran looked away, trying to hide his roiling emotion from the searching green eyes of his teammate. A knot was forming in the back of his throat.

Could he really blame Yohji for needing another person to live for? Ran had that already. Aya had been the only thing keeping him anchored, many times. Even if he considered Yohji's judgment unsound, even if he couldn't understand why he deemed taciturn, uninteresting Ran a suitable lover, could he really sneer at Yohji's reasons?

As last night had proven, Ran himself was more than willing to offer both his own health and Weiss' information to save the other man. That spoke of something far deeper than just mutual attraction.

It terrified him though, just how much Yohji had rested his entire being on the chance that Ran would be selfish enough to take the risk of acting on his own desires.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"And the light bulb finally goes on," Yohji said, somewhat relieved. "Don't sound so shocked."

A rapidly changing slew of emotion was shifting across Ran's face. Yohji met his eyes steadily until the redhead turned his head away. He moved his hand up to thread through Ran's hair. He'd been fascinated by the scarlet locks long before he'd accepted the broader scope of his feelings for the other man. He'd spent far too much time in the flower shop distractedly staring; he loved that he was now allowed to touch it.

Should he continue to repeat himself? Would reiterating actually get through to Ran, or was he just feeding him reasons to return to shutting down and keeping his distance? Perhaps Ran had only allowed their recent liaison to occur because he hadn't believed Yohji's sincerity. He wasn't sure that Ran had room for a second person in his life as solidly as Yohji wanted to insert himself. He might be crossing a line Ran wouldn't find acceptable. Why else would he be so resistant to accepting Yohji's confessions? But Yohji had a habit of continually pushing the envelope. Sometimes it seemed like he was never satisfied until he ruined things.

He'd said everything else he possibly could though. And it's not like he hadn't already announced his feelings. More than once even.

"I fucking love you, dumb-ass. How many times do I have to say that before you'll believe me?"

Except he hadn't actually said so, not in so many words yet. He'd only implied the true depth of his feelings with the words 'attempt' and 'love confession.' It wasn't quite equal. He couldn't entirely blame Ran's deliberate cluelessness.

He recalled the utter void he'd felt while contemplating Schuldig's proposition and hoped he wasn't accelerating himself towards a new regret.

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

Ran was forced to meet Yohji's eyes again, his own eyebrows raising with shock. "Love?" He managed to rasp out through his clenching throat.

He suddenly felt his nakedness. He felt exposed to Yohji in a way that transcended his lack of clothing. He kept his gaze locked to Yohji's, but found nothing but sincerity in the blonde's eyes. They contained warmth, and beneath it, what Ran interpreted as a stark fear.

Yohji had said, in so many words, that he'd returned to Weiss for Ran.

Ran had leaned his head without realizing it into Yohji's touch. He closed his eyes for a moment. He wasn't as eager to name what he felt toward the other man as Yohji was, but his presence was comforting. His body felt undeniably right. The sex was something that he almost needed to repeat. And his loss, as he'd already realized, had felt like the death of himself.

And as things stood now, it was as dangerous to them both for Ran to deny them this as it was to risk it all and see it out.

"...Probably more than that," Ran admitted finally, opening his eyes again. He quirked his lips up in a tiny, shy smile.