Sunday 1.18 - A Temporary Escape

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji stared at the contents of his closet and felt completely uninspired. Usually he could be ready for the club scene in 3 minutes or less, as about eighty percent of the clothing he owned had been bought with that in mind. Tonight though, nearly everything he picked up gave him mental flashbacks to Ran's disapproving glare over breakfast.

Why is that bothering me? Ran wouldn't know fashion if it came up behind him and smacked him over the head with a two-by-four. He's not even going out with us. Ferchrissakes, what's my *problem* today?

Everything pink now occupied an unhappy pile on the floor. Everything else that Yohji imagined Ran hating occupied another, equally unfortunate, albeit larger pile next to it.

That left a whole lotta black.

Yohji rolled his eyes at himself for caring, and grabbed an unusually subdued shirt off the rack.

Peeking into the hallway, he saw no sign of Ken yet, so he wandered to his door and knocked lightly.

"Hey, Kenken?"

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[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji didn't think he'd ever heard Ken say this much before; at least not about anything important. And that was sad, because it only drove home what Ken was saying. For four people who *lived* together, they spent a horrendous amount of time not saying anything important.

It's funny how he had always assumed Ken was more or less okay, because Ken's temper caused him to deal with stuff. Yohji used to envy his straight-forwardness. How many times did it seem like a problem might have gone away if he could have just yelled out what he was thinking, or punched somebody? But he’d spent too long carefully building the personality that he’d chosen to present to the world for that. That kind of release could shatter it, and he wasn’t sure what would be left. Ken had mentioned showing Aya “the real you,” but Yohji honestly wasn’t sure who that was anymore.

He felt an odd sensation creeping up his stomach. Tightening; like he was being encircled by a boa constrictor.

Did he really pay that much attention to Aya? Ken’s words were ringing true. Shit, he hadn’t even noticed that so many of his thoughts were tied up by the man. Why? Why did it bother him so much when Ran ignored him for his sister? That was a perfectly reasonable excuse for him to be ignored. Who *wouldn’t* focus on Aya Chan over him? It would be expected before you even took into consideration Ran and Aya’s past. He was jealous, and he hated himself for it.

“You’re…very perceptive.” Yohji’s voice sounded funny to him, he felt a little disjointed from himself.

He’d somehow managed to ignore just how bad things were getting.

“I….shit. I didn’t even notice I was doing that, Ken,” he turned to look at Ken and saw that he was covering his eyes. It caused him to frown, he didn’t like the way Ken seemed to be bracing himself for Yohji to lash out, “Hey, what are you doing?” He reached over with his free hand and gently pulled one of Ken’s hands away.

“I forget sometimes that you and Omi are paying attention. I don’t really think that I’m affecting anyone when I act…I mean when I pick fights like that. But….” He paused for a minute, it was hard enough to admit it to himself, he couldn’t believe he was saying this out loud, “but, you’re dead on.”

He stared out the window for a minute, contemplating if he really wanted to cement what a horrible person he was by saying what he was thinking. But Ken had opened up and Yohji owed him to return the favor.

“If she weren’t Aya’s sister I think I would think the world of her. But I just can’t get past the way Aya acts now. I resent her and it’s not her fault and she doesn’t deserve it. I hate that. I find myself wishing she’d not woken up. No, that’s not really true. But I wish he’d sent her away somewhere safe, instead of trying to shelter her in front of us.”

He sighed. Some night out this was becoming. What had become of their agreement to “not be themselves”?

Okay, time to redirect the angst. This was about Ken. Yohji’s Aya-problems were just a side note. The real issue was that Ken seemed to be falling apart.

“We all have nightmares you know. It’s okay to talk about them. It’s not whining. And…”

Good enough? The fact that Ken seemed to care what he thought about him floored him. Moreso, it confused him. “What makes you think you’re not good enough?” he asked, “I’m a really lousy judge of character. I don’t understand why you’d even care what I think.”

“But I definitely don’t think you’re not good enough,” he added after a pause.

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“But I definitely don’t think you’re not good enough.”

The air left his lungs in an audible whoosh. He hadn’t realized that he’d been holding it.

“You’re somebody who’s good with secrets,” he stated after a few deep breaths. “Because you’ve seen and done so much…I was hoping you wouldn’t judge me harshly. Ran’s involved in his own world. He might care a little bit but…” Ken shrugged heavily. “Omi cares too much…and he does so much already. The last thing I want to do is hurt him more.”

Ken turned his head towards Yohji. “Much as I hate to admit it, I’m losing it. But who do I turn to? The only person who knows me…y’know…*knows* me…freaks out if our other profession is even whispered about. Aya-chan might be near. I can’t get a release. I look at you, and you smooth everything over so well, and other than being tied up in Ran…no offense…”

As if realizing he was babbling again, he paused, collected himself.

“We’re both fucked up, Yohji. But right now…I need someone to be fucked up with. I need you.” He wouldn’t beg, and this still felt too close to whining for him, but for now pride could shut the hell up.

“Can’t do it at home. Can’t talk to Omi because…” A harsh swallow, “he’s part of the problem. I’m getting really tied up in him…like I was with Kase back in the day.”

There. The words which were lead heavy in his gut and buried in his brain now floated in the air, hanging over his head. It felt strangely, painfully *good*, like the burn after a workout.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

"If there is one thing I can accommodate, it's being fucked up" Yohji almost laughed.

He let his arm slide down a bit so that it wasn't so much draping across Ken's shoulders as holding them.

"You say that I smooth things over well…but…. I don't. You have no idea how much I don't." He sighed, and tapped the unlit cigarette against the car door. "That fight. When I killed Neu… that had nothing to do with the mission. It wouldn't have mattered if she were in Schrient or not. It was strictly personal. I completely lost touch with reality when we were fighting."

He exhaled slowly, and turned to face Ken. "All this time I've been telling myself it's just a job. But in that moment, I was out for blood. I didn't just want her dead, Ken, I wanted to destroy her. It scared the shit out of me. I went on such a bad bender after that, you have no idea."

"I don't actually handle this shit any better than the rest of you, I think I'm just better at not showing it. But I also think you care more than I do. I used to think my life was fucking perfect, if you can believe that. Then I lost everything and…well. I just never felt like any one person could be lucky enough to find that kind of happiness twice in one lifetime. I didn’t expect things to ever get better. I’ve never expected to live very long since this started, you know, it’s like I’ve just been riding things out and waiting to die.”

He fell silent for a moment, he’d barely been able to admit that last bit even to himself. "I…don't know. Maybe you should try telling me about Kase."