Sunday 1.18 - A Temporary Escape

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji stared at the contents of his closet and felt completely uninspired. Usually he could be ready for the club scene in 3 minutes or less, as about eighty percent of the clothing he owned had been bought with that in mind. Tonight though, nearly everything he picked up gave him mental flashbacks to Ran's disapproving glare over breakfast.

Why is that bothering me? Ran wouldn't know fashion if it came up behind him and smacked him over the head with a two-by-four. He's not even going out with us. Ferchrissakes, what's my *problem* today?

Everything pink now occupied an unhappy pile on the floor. Everything else that Yohji imagined Ran hating occupied another, equally unfortunate, albeit larger pile next to it.

That left a whole lotta black.

Yohji rolled his eyes at himself for caring, and grabbed an unusually subdued shirt off the rack.

Peeking into the hallway, he saw no sign of Ken yet, so he wandered to his door and knocked lightly.

"Hey, Kenken?"

Comments

[plotbunnytiff.livejournal.com]

“Heard it from Morikawa, solid truth. She goes there every other Sunday, sneaks into the men’s room, and, y’know…”
“…no. I don’t.”
“…………”
“What? What does she do?”
“Ken, you are such a dumbass sometimes.”

“That’s when the whispers of J-league started. They both worked harder than ever, and they even started hanging out after school, at his dad’s pachinko parlor. Everyone was so proud…the parties after winning games had almost everyone in the neighborhood. And when they made it, actually MADE The League…it was huge. We…they stole an armful of beer each and hid in the backroom surrounded by boxes. Hidaka-kun got drunk after two beers and told Kase-kun he loved him.”

“…shut up Hidaka.”
“Mean it. I love you. Love. You.”
“Yeah sure. Love you too. Don’t puke on me.”
“…fuck! Kase, you’re such a dumbass sometimes.”
“Woah, did you just say fu--!”

“Hidaka-kun kissed him…because he had fallen in love with him. He didn’t mean to, and he’d tried to hard to make it go away, but it wouldn’t.”

[The boxes they were sitting against toppled over, but he could barely feel the scattered pachinko balls caught beneath his knees. Kase had a fistful of his hair and was sucking his tongue between his teeth and if he couldn’t touch him soon he would die]

“His whole simple little world ran around soccer and Kase-kun.”

[He couldn’t undo the belt, his hands were shaking too badly and everything was spinning]

“Hidaka-kun gave his first blow-job that night. That’s all that happened. Kase-kun ran out of storage and pucked when it was over. Hidaka-kun curled up in a corner and passed out. They never spoke of that night. It was…they just didn’t. It was the rule. But somehow…somehow they were still friends. Even when they started becoming successful in J-League, and Hidaka-kun became ‘*the* Hidaka Ken’ Kase-kun was always there…a true blue friend.” The last part was said with such bitterness and guilt that Ken almost chocked on it.

“You know what happened next. Assignments were given…and completed. That’s all there is to it.”

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Um, wow. The phrase “too much information” sprang to mind, except that Yohji was hardly the kind of guy that that sort of thing bothered. In fact, he usually thrived on too much information. Besides, he had asked. It worried him a little, the detached tone Ken took in recounting his past. It was like…he had to tell *everything* or not bother at all. It smacked of emotional scaring.

Yohji Kudoh specialized in emotional scaring.

“That’s never ‘all there is to it’ Ken,” Yohji said carefully, “assignments…well. The assignments are downright cruel. Omi can tell you that, as well as I can. There is no regard for our personal lives as far as Kritiker is concerned.”

He peered at Ken, who was still staring ahead, completely devoid of emotion. It made him want to shake him, to remind him that he was Ken and Ken was an upbeat, cheerful guy. When Yohji crawled home from the bars at 3 am, in a depressed drunken stupor, he counted on Ken being the one to remember to leave a light on for him, or some coffee in a thermos, or….some sort of affirmation that his presence was missed and that he had a reason to crawl back at all. He’d thought he knew Ken, but this was not the Ken he thought he knew.

“Let me tell you something about missions,” Yohji started, “I mentioned the mission with Schrient. With Neu.” Her name came out sounding kind of funny. He failed completely at adopting the detached tone Ken had used. “Before…well, you know, before…. Back when I thought everything was bleeding perfect….. Well. Aside from having the perfect job, I had the perfect partner. And we kind of dated, but kind of didn’t. You know, working together and all, we tried to keep things somewhat professional. But there was something *there* and it underwrote everything.”

He vaguely noticed that the unlit cigarette that he had previously been fiddling with was now quickly being reduced to a pile of brown powder. He hadn’t even registered crushing it.

“So I proposed. It never even occurred to me that she’d turn me down. I thought she was my fucking soul mate. Can you believe what an idealistic twit I was?” Yohji turned to Ken, anticipating some sort of acknowledgment of yes, you really were an idiot, weren’t you?

“I couldn’t believe it when she said she’d have to think about it. I expected her to cry or something. I thought she’d get all excited and starry-eyed like girls do on TV. But she didn’t, she just kind of smiled and said she’d ‘think about it’.”

“She was still ‘thinking about it’ when I watched her get gunned down in front of my eyes.” A moment of silence, respect for the dead?

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

“That was really fucking awful, Ken, but I could deal with it. I told myself she was in a better place. If she was really my soul mate then I’d find her in another life or some kind of bullshit like that. I didn’t expect her to come back from the dead. But she did. Schrient showed up and there she was. Asuka was there and she was alive, but she wasn’t Asuka. It was like someone had erased her *soul.* How do I reconcile that? Her entire essence had vanished. She wasn’t in a better place because she was still here. But everything that mattered was gone. In one day everything that had kept me going was destroyed and I realized that there really isn’t a point in protecting the innocent if people are just a bunch of fucking blank slates walking around, waiting to be programmed. My loss was permanent, and apparently meaningless. When I realized that, well. I hated Neu for everything she represented. The mission completely vanished, and I just wanted her dead, so I could go back to how I’d imagined things to be.”

He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt like a complete idiot for using words like soul mate. What was he, a sixteen year old girl? But that had been another life time ago, and he’d been a completely different person. A damn fool his mind interjected.

“People change. A fucking lot. It sucks, but the people we’re assigned to kill on missions are targets for a reason.”

He turned back to Ken and regarded him seriously.

“If you’re in love with Omi then I think you should tell him what you just told me. Omi is not like Kase. Remember that he had to Kill his own family. He understands the cruelty of our assignments even better than I do.”

[plotbunnytiff.livejournal.com]

“I thought she was my fucking soul mate. Can you believe what an idealistic twit I was?”

It pierced through the cloud of misery fogging Ken’s brain enough to make him turn to Yohji with a half-horrified expression.

Idealistic twit? You were in *love*…hell, I guess I’m an idealistic twit too, for still believing…and I don’t want to stop.

That was just it. He really wanted to try again. With all the drama and unhappiness in his life, he desperately needed to let go of a lot of old baggage before it dragged him into depths he wouldn’t be able to get out of. And from the way Yohji was talking, he was being drowned by heavy ghosts of the past as well.

“If you’re in love with Omi then I think you should tell him what you just told me. Omi is not like Kase. Remember that he had to kill his own family. He understands the cruelty of our assignments even better than I do.”

Omi isn’t Kase. I know that. But I don’t want to turn him into another Kase. I know he’s not some blushing innocent, but in a way he is, and I would be a pervert if…

[The sucker punch hadn’t hurt as much as surprised him; he doubled over and landed on his knees in the grass.

“I oughta beat your face in, you sick freak. Those are your kohai…” The disgust in Kase’s voice was a perfect match for the kick he leveled at Ken’s ribs, knocking him over completely. “I catch you looking at any of the guys like that again, pervert, you’re dead.]

“Nmph. I know. I can’t bring myself to do it yet. He knows most of the story already. I just left out a few things…being in love…the sex. Right now he’s the only person in the world who knows I even look at guys that way sometimes. Other than you, now.” Ken nibbled on the edge of his thumbnail for a moment before turning back to Yohji, a faint glow of his old fire coming to life in his eyes.

“We’re both sorry sacks of shit, and who would want that? Ne, you say people change. We can change for the better, if we work at it.” A real smile, small, fragile, and warm, appeared on his face. He looked Yohji in the eye, all hopeful eagerness and growing enthusiasm.

“We can prune away the parts that are dead so new things can grow. And we don’t have to be alone; I’ll be there to kick your sorry ass if you need me, if you return the favor. Yeah, if I have to talk to Omi, then you’re gonna have to deal with Ran.” He threaded his hand in Yohji’s hair for the softest of ruffles. “You need a bit of work, but we might be able to pull something off.” A feeble joke, but a small improvement.

[skyrat13.livejournal.com]

Yohji registered the brief look of horror on Ken's face as he talked. Fuck, was he really sounding that pathetic? No, he needed to stop the self pity fest. He was trying to cheer Ken up, remember? He sure had a backwards way of doing that....

"I think the part about you being in love with Kase was a pretty significant thing to leave out. You should definitely tell him about that. Maybe not right away, but..."

Maybe not right away could mean never for an assassin. Any of them could die at any time. So much potential for regrets....

"Well. I think it's something Omi should hear."

He noticed Ken's expression had changed again, it was closer to the Ken he was used to, yet slightly different. The regular Ken didn't look that hopeful. Now where the hell had *that* come from? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with him, Yohji, a guy who only had one setting, and that was 'cynical.' Hadn't he just told Ken that he'd lost his faith in the very existence of souls?

Yeah, if I have to talk to Omi, then you’re gonna have to deal with Ran.

Hey, wait. Hold the train! When did his problem with Aya become comparable to Ken and Omi? Ken had compared his situation with Omi to Kase. Ken loved Kase. Deduction: Ken loved Omi. How could that....no, that wasn't anything like him and Ran at all.

He had been thinking about Ran an *awful* lot.

Yohji bit back a surge of panic. No. Ken was making assumptions. At most he was infactuated. Yeah, infactuated was a good place to start. A person could get over being infactuated.....

He coughed in an attempt to calm his sudden nervousness. "Um. Ken. I...don't think there is anything for me to 'deal' with Ran. I'm not even sure what it is you think I need to deal with...but... well. Ran's world is only big enough for him and his sister, and I'm only going to piss him off if I start unloading sob stories on him. Omi cares. Even if his feelings are completely different than yours, he cares and he'll want to be there for you. I think we need to leave me an Ran out of this."

He sighed and leaned backwards, suddenly noticing the hand that had appeared in his hair. Wow, had Ken ever pulled a one eighty on him there....

"I don't think I have very much left to salvage. But you make a tempting offer."